In our human struggle to function in social circles, it’s not uncommon for those around us to notice the worst in our friends and judge us by their shortcomings. At one time or another, most of us have found ourselves explaining how we could possibly associate with one of our friends, pleading, “Yeah, I know, once you get to know him/her, they’re really not so awful.” Any of the following categories will help you narrow down which friends require a disclaimer and what excuse to prepare in order to remain socially acceptable.
Center Of The Universe: Physically incapable of talking about anything but themselves, these friends seem to believe the world revolves exclusively around them, but at least you never have to worry about them prying into your private life.
The Pretentious Hipster: This breed has become the new “token” friend every group must have- the one who comes off as just a bit too proud of being a step ahead of the curve. Aside from their grumblings of the accursed mainstream, though, this friend is great for conversation and introduces you to the most promising underground trends before the clutches of commercialism grasp the ideas and twist them into generic vehicles for their own agenda.
The Childhood Playmate: Whether they used to be your next door neighbor or your cousin of most proximate age, you keep this friend partly for sentimental reasons and partly because your mom would kill you if you lost touch with the child she watched you grow up next to and assumes is still your “best buddy” even if you like sports and he’s more into complicated card games and summoning his warlock powers in public
The Hugger: Every greeting warrants an embrace from this friend, even if you’ve already seen them once the same morning, but their affection is like that of a cheerful golden retriever-loyal until the end and sincerely overjoyed to see you on every occasion.
Anyone with a Trampoline: Does anything else matter in this case, really? The answer is no. This friendship is worth it.
Know-It-All: Often, this is the person who raises their hand in every lecture they’ve ever attended, desperate to bestow their wisdom on their peers. This friend never misses the chance to jump in on an argument, confident that their intellect is unmatched in any subject. However, while this might be infuriating to their opponents, you always prove your point when they’re on your side, and you end up looking more sophisticated by association.
Note: On the off-chance that you cannot identify the Disclaimer Friend, bad news. It’s you.
-Ivy Decker, Contributor