Champagne

–  You’re in a relationship.

–  You’re probably spending Valentine’s Day with your significant other at a nice dinner, and of course, you’re probably ordering some bubbly.  But seriously, try not to be a douche about it.  We get it, you’re happy, in love, etc, etc. so there’s no need to loudly pop the cork and clap like damn idiots.

 

Red Wine

–   You’re a single woman.

–  So you’re alone on Valentine’s Day.  You deserve to pour yourself a glass or four of your favorite red wine as you watch “Say Yes To The Dress”.  Don’t feel bad about it!  You know who else drank lots of wine?  Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  He was single too.  Keep your chin up.

 

Ice Cold Beer

–  You’re a single man.

–  Crack open a beer, and open up that *cough, cough* “Income Taxes” folder on your desktop.  It’ll make you feel less lonely today.

 

Jose Cuervo Tequila

–  You’re single, feeling frisky, and you listen to a lot of country music.

–  As the great Joe Nichols once said, “Tequila makes her clothes fall off”.  Let’s face it, you’re a pretty decent looking fella, but everyone looks a lot more attractive after “10 rounds with Jose Cuervo” (according to Tracy Byrd).

 

Red Bull

–  You’re single and Netflix exists.

–  You’re probably single and have a Netflix account, and who needs a relationship anyways when you can create an entire imaginary relationship with Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad?  Netflix finally put up the last eight episodes of the series, so pop open a Red Bull and lose some precious sleep tonight!

–  Disclaimer: Netflix hasn’t actually put up the last eight episodes of Breaking Bad yet, so don’t yell at me after you log on and see that this isn’t true.

 

Starbucks Grande Vanilla Bean Latte with soy milk, 2 pumps of sugar-free vanilla syrup, no-whip, with foam. 

–  You’re single.  You are absolutely single.

–  Want to know why you’re single?  Because you go to Starbucks and do shit like this. Stop it.

 

Butterbeer

–  I’m not quite sure about your relationship status actually, but ‘yer a wizard.

 

Milkshake

–  You’re a single woman.

–  You’re a single woman and you would rather not be alone on Valentine’s Day.  How do you solve this dilemma?  Well, science has proven that milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard, so you’re probably going to break out that blender tonight.  If you’re feeling generous, you can teach them if you want, but you’ll probably have to charge.

 

Water

–  You’re broke and single.

–  Water is free, alcohol is expensive, and you’re broke.

 

Shots of 151 

–  You’re [soon to be] single.

–  You probably didn’t realize it was Valentine’s day until you read this.  You have no plans, and you’re inevitably going to be dumped by your significant other today.  Better start drinking, buddy.  It’s going to be a long night for you.

 

-Marianne Iskander, Contributor