Dudes!  So the stars and stuff are like feeling totally chill this week.  It’s been a long semester, and the stars and planets are just tired and ready to just chat with you guys.  Without further ado, here are your fates:

Aquarius- You will take a Facebook personality quiz over and over until you get the character that you want, and only then will you share it.  This entirely destroys the purpose of the quiz.  Yeah, we all want our Avenger to be Tony Stark, but someone’s gotta be Hawkeye!

Pisces- Your idea of what is warm has been so drastically warped by this Narnia-esque winter, that 34 degrees is freaking paradise, man.  You almost forgot what grass is like.

Aries- Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto are all relaxing in the afternoon and hitting up the Kuiper Belt later to score some asteroid-chicks, which means that you should try the same, Aries!  Except not asteroid-chicks, just regular chicks.  Unless you’re into that sort of thing.  Then good luck!

Taurus- Strolling past the sad, muddy little sarlacc pit that was once Mirror Lake, Venus will enter the third house of Taurus and you will suddenly find yourself asking, “Wait…what happened to Afro-duck?”

Gemini-Valentine’s day is over at last.  This sugary commercialization of love has passed us by, and we can breathe a sigh of relief.  Singles don’t have to think about their failed love lives anymore, and couples don’t have to worry about their romantic obligations to one another in this lose-lose situation.  You, Gemini, should treat yourself to an unromantic night in with Netflix, and maybe your lover can join in if he/she feels like it and/or exists.

Cancer- Shia Labeouf is not famous anymore. Shia Labeouf is not famous anymore. Shia Labeouf is not famous anymore!  Shia Labeouf is not famous anymore!  SHIA LABEOUF IS NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE!  SHIA LABEOUF IS NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE!!!!  FUCK YOU MICHEAL BAY!!!!  YOU AND YOUR GIANT DINOSAUR TRANSFORMERS!  ……Sorry about that, Cancer.  I lost control for a second.  You will ummm, I don’t know, go for a walk or something.  Go see a movie.  Not the new Transformer’s movie, though.  ANYTHING but that.  Monuments Men was pretty good, go see that!

Leo- Hey Leo, guess what?  YOU GET TO BE HAWKEYE!

Virgo- You will not get laid.

Libra- Be careful walking around North Campus this week, Libra.  Your stars are looking hostile.  I mean, with all the fences put up and the construction going on, trying to walk through North Campus is like running a rat maze, if that maze also happens to be covered with a slippery brown sludge that won’t go away and an army of iron, smoke-belching, industrial equipment.

Scorpio- Try the new Deep-Fried Churro Loco Cheeto Frito Burrito Nacho Taco Sub, only at Subway, because where else are we going to go now?

Sagittarius- You watch the Winter Olympics because you feel obligated to, but there is no way you’ll ever relate to these bizarre, ice-related sports that only mountain-dwelling Norsemen really enjoy or even understand.  You should just watch something you want to watch.  Except curling; you need to watch that ironically.

Capricorn- No, but for real guys, what actually happened to Afro-duck?

-Ben Fogle, Staff-Writer