HA. You clicked on the link. You were all like, “Oh my goodness, this title makes no sense! How can she love someone more than her own spouse? Is she cheating on him? Has she fallen in love with her lover on the side?” Those thoughts swirled around in your head. You tried to resist opening the link, but then I lured you in with me and my husband’s adorable wedding picture. “They look so in love! How could she possibly not love him anymore?” Finally, you give into temptation. You click on the link and start reading. I begin my story by listing all of the amazing qualities my husband possesses. To make sure you become emotionally invested, I talk about how we met, fell in love, and had two beautiful children.
Suddenly, plot twist! I say something along the lines of: “Yeah he’s perfect in every way, but I love someone more than him.” Finally, the moment you’ve been waiting for. You’re mesmerized. I have you wrapped around my finger. You continue to read on. I rant for paragraphs on end. Eventually, I spew out some common sense that basically says that I love myself more than my husband because I can’t truly love someone without fully loving myself first, yadda yadda. I add in some good ole’ fashioned, “No relationship can survive unless the individuals take care of their own needs, instead of becoming consumed with the needs of their partner.”
Sure, it’s all basic common sense information that you should already know about any healthy, adult relationship. You’re slightly irritated. You’ve wasted 10 minutes of your life reading something you’ve already known, all the while expecting some scandalous story about a failing relationship. At first you thought I was relatable, but then you realized that I just really enjoy shoving my perfect marriage in your single, forever-alone face. You tell yourself that you were deeply touched by the message of the blog post, and that it reminded you about what’s important in your relationship, but you’re still super pissed off that I’ve wasted your time. You want to make your friends feel just as stupid as you did so you share my story on multiple social media sites. You want your friends to think that this blog post had some deep profound meaning, so you post it with the comment: “Wow. Such a powerful message. #Perspective”.
With this deception, I have accomplished my goal. I am the master of the internet. Soon my blog will reach 50,000 hits. The link will be shared hundreds of thousands of times on Facebook. The story will then creep its way onto your local nightly news. As you scroll down your newsfeed, all you will see is the link to my blog. Success is mine. I have creeped into your mind with deceit and trickery. I am the human manifestation of the game 2048. You hate me a little bit, but you can’t get enough of me. I confuse and infuriate you, but you kind of like it a little bit. It’s sick. You need help.
-Marianne Iskander, Staff-Writer