Everyone has always loved Afro Duck, the creature who has graced Mirror lake with his/(her ???) presence for what feels like centuries. However, it now seems as though the famous duck has mysteriously disappeared. After doing hours of intensive research (which included bribing multiple members of the OSU bureaucracy for information and learning to speak duck), The Sundial Humor Magazine has composed several different theories as to speculate the fate of our feathered friend.
1. Lindsey Bucci, Afro Duck’s former hair dresser, was one of the first people we tried talking to after the disappearance. When asked as to what exactly went down, Lindsey seemed relatively matter of fact. “I miss dat duck, man. Always pleasan’, knew how he wanted his hair did every time. But’chu know what happen? I mean, I dunno where that duck is, but I do know there ain’t no one takin’ no more care a’ that afro. Ya see, one day Ohio State a calls me and says to me they ain’t got the money to pay for me to cut n style Afro Duck’s hair no more. Such a shame!”
Unfortunately, she knew nothing else about the situation and is not sure what Afro Duck would even look like without his hair styled.
2. The other day, a contributor to the magazine was talking to a student about the breakfast foods offered on campus.
“Oh man, Kennedy breakfast is usually pretty good,” Stacey, 18, said. “But, you know, there was something kind of weird the other day. The breakfast sausage.. definitely wasn’t pork. Tasted kinda gamey.”
Kennedy Commons declined to comment on the issue.
3. According to some of the Mirror Lake ducks interviewed, it seems plausible that Afro Duck was just tired of life at Ohio State.
“Yeah, you know, it sounds like he was getting kind of annoyed with all the broken beer bottles he kept finding in Mirror lake,” said fellow Mirror lake duck, Anthony. “And don’t get me started on his views about the jump. Hell, I didn’t tell you this one, but a few months back he was wearing a Michigan shirt! His excuse was that he found it at a yard sale for like three bucks. 3 bucks or not, I was questioning his loyalties for a little while before he disappeared in the first place.”
4. Afro duck may have been on flight MH370. After all, no one seems to know what happened to that whole thing, either.
5. After looking through some photos online, we appear to have found SOMETHING with a potential lead. While no one is directly saying that Afro duck joined ISIS, Afro duck may have joined ISIS.
Despite many other interviews and other potential leads, the investigation is ongoing (possibly indefinitely). In the meantime, it is asked that you do everything possible to raise awareness of Afro Duck’s disappearance, especially by sharing this article via social media. You may also donate cash and bread crumbs in order to help fund those who are searching for the duck by calling 1-800-THE-AFRO.
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-Stav, Staff Writer