Columbus, OH – Inspired by the Scottish referendum which took place in Scotland this past September, several residents and representatives from the South Campus area of Ohio State have recently announced their intent to declare independence from the university. According to Lindsey Cavendish, second-year in Biology and a resident of Bradley Hall, this decision has been a long time coming, and contrary to popular belief was not decided on the spur of a moment.
“People across South Campus have been worried for a long time about the transformations North Campus has been going through, and whether they could expect to see similar work done outside their dorms,” Cavendish stated to The Sundial in an exclusive interview. “The university always talks about changing areas of South Campus, but I don’t think anybody really expected them to follow through on their word.”
The transformations Cavendish talked about refers to the construction that has reportedly plagued North Campus for untold generations. “At this point,” Cavendish laments, “nobody even remembers a time where [North Campus] wasn’t constructing something new; I’m pretty sure there hasn’t been a recorded moment of history where it wasn’t under construction.” (Ed.—After browsing through university archives, The Sundial uncovered a historical document which covered a three day period in 1908 wherein campus areas north of 17th Ave. were not under any construction. President Thompson noted in the document: “a grave and solemn time for the university.”)
Cavendish isn’t alone in this cynical line of thinking, either, with 104% of subjects of a recent survey disagreeing with the constant construction around North Campus. Multiple subjects indicated feelings of physical illness after being shown a photograph of a chain link rent-a-fence. One fourth-year student we surveyed noted that he remembered a time within the past three years where South Campus had its own projects, as “they [the university] finished the geothermal experiments, road re-designs, and dorm mergers”. This, of course, conflicts with the widespread knowledge that South Campus has existed through all of eternity as an infallible pixieland paradise. As such, this portion of the survey was omitted.
Recently, an insignificant portion of Neil Ave. has been restricted to two lanes of traffic while construction crews have been busy at work renovating a portion of something probably unimportant. Peter Brown, a third-year resident in Mack Hall, indicates that although this “invasion” didn’t inspire the talks of independence, it is what set the South Campus denizens into action.
“Honestly,” Brown says, “it feels like an incredible betrayal of trust. South Campus is supposed to be this fairy land, where weary students can escape the humdrum of urban life. If they think they can waltz in here and perform routine road maintenance, they’ve got another thing coming.”
President Michael Drake stated his regrets recently about the negative attitude South Campus residents feel regarding the new construction. He said that he aims to improve the quality of student life while retaining a similar atmosphere of normality and peace that was previously found around this area of Neil Ave. However, he further commented on doubts that residents will be legally able to separate from the university.
“I swear to god I looked up and down the entirety of the university codes,” he said in a press conference. “I found stuff about filing, like, I don’t know, petty complaints or something, but I didn’t find a single fucking thing about seceding from the school. I call bullshit.”
Cavendish referred us to Seong Kangjeon, a ninth-year graduate student reportedly leading the efforts for independence. Kangjeon declined requests for an interview, skulking out of the building soon afterwards while bellowing an ominously deep and throaty cackle.
“Nobody quite knows why he does that,” Cavendish noted, “but we still have our full trust in him as the leader of our new and glorious campus.”
Common questions surrounding the movement include whether South Campus residents will still be able to use blocks as a form of currency; how this will affect university relations with the already-estranged West Campus; and what South Campus intends to do with popular landmarks like the South Oval and Mirror Lake. Various sources have indicated it would be wise for South Campus to allow visits to these landmarks for a small fee, stimulating their economy by introducing a tourist aspect to the area. Others have stated that this would interfere with the fantasy-world feeling the South Campus is based around. When pressed for a response to these questions, Cavendish twisted her face and gave a small shrug.
“I just thought it’d be cool to find something new to make a big fuss about,” she said. “I photoshopped President Drake’s face onto this KONY 2012 poster I had on my wall. We’re going to print off a bunch of copies and plaster them all over campus, so that everyone’s aware of our movement. Once that happens, according to the laws of humanity, everyone will end up joining together and we’ll all end this terrible period of strife and conflict.
“There’s no way this can go wrong.”
-Jacob Conrad, Staff-Writer