“Hey.”
“Yeah?”
“Do you believe in God?”
“Now, buddy, that’s one hell of a loaded question. Supposin’ I do, what of it?”
“I dunno, just makin’ conversation.”
“Something trigger this sudden interest in philosophy?”
“Just saw something that made me wonder about the, er, nature or whatever of belief systems and, like, controversy and stuff.”
“Well damn.”
“What?”
“I think I have just observed what you were gabbin’ about.”
The other man, the one first to speak, checked to see. What he saw was as oxymoronic as a Starburst.
“Shee-oot.”
And “shee-oot” was right. Approaching quickly was a klansman. A klansman of African descent. He filled in the rest of the distance to the two men and spoke.
“Evening, brothers.”
“Uh, hi,” mumbled the man other to the other man from before. The name’s Jim.”
“Tom,” sternly uttered the first other man.
“Glad to meet y’all. The name’s Gary. Very nice to see some pure folk around here.”
“‘Pure?’” asked Jim, despite knowing just what Gary meant.
“Oh, y’know, white and Catholic. No need around here for any ni-”
“Actually I’m Methodist,” interrupted Tom.
At this, Gary the Black Klansman furrowed his brow.
“And you know what’s weird?” furthered Tom. I mean…you do know you’re….dark, right?”
“Dark?”
“Yeah, like….more than tan?”
“Oh, you must be referring to my ethnicity as an Ebola-American.”
At this, both Jim and Tom raised both of their arms and began alternating phrases like “Whoa” and “Hey, now” and I think there was even a “You said it, not me.”
“Boys,” Gary pushed through, using his word hands, “To love God, you must first hate yourselfs.”
“Seems a bit counterintuitive,” observed Jim.
“Well, it’s not.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Really really?”
“Yes.”
“Really really re-”
“For the last time, yes, goddammit!” In frustration, the klansman reared back his horse that he had been riding the whole time. “Now I can sit here and argue semantics until my face is blue but also still black in the face, but I’m late for an important lynch date.”
At this, he giddy-upped and rode off.
Jim turned to Tom. “Do you think he meant lunch date?”
“I didn’t,” came echoing from the distance.
“So,” continued Jim, “did that little dip into the pool of knowledge satiate your philosophical thirst?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I just meant if you felt sufficiently cultured or not.”
“Yeah, I guess. Eyes opened.”
“Did we learn anything today, Tom?”
“No, Jim, no we did not.”
-William Best, Contributor