Due to the massive cockfighting debts accrued by our treasurer on a company credit card, The Sundial Humor Magazine has decided to start selling ad space to local businesses. To place an ad in The Sundial, call 614-ADS-PACE and stay on the line, a freshman will be with you shortly.

Christine’s Organic Pet Food

At Christine’s Organic Pet Food, we care about your animal friend as much as you do, even if that’s just a little too much. We only offer organic foods that contain just 50% of the additives of regular dog food and are guaranteed to improve your pet’s digestive health. Is it your furry friend’s birthday? Let our new pastry chef make you those cute desserts for dogs! Our grand opening is this Friday and backed by popular demand, we’ll soon be offering a wide variety of organic chicken feed. Call 614-LUV-PETS.

Dale’s Poop and Scoop

Tired of spending your weekend scooping dog poop off your lawn? Your boss gives you enough crap during the week, so call Dale! Just name the time and place that your dog does its business and Dale (or one of his licensed and bonded children) will be over to remove the K9 waste and dispose of it properly. No pooper scoopers, no worries. And unlike those other poop removal services, we never charge more for St. Bernards. Sign up for our premium service and we’ll take care of your human fecal needs as well. Call 614-DOG-POOP to schedule an appointment today!

Privy Private Detectives

Someone has been leaving clear plastic bags filled with dog feces on people’s lawns and in their swimming pools. Maybe your neighbors deserve this kind of treatment, but you don’t! The police are useless and probably involved somehow. It’s time to call a Privy private detective. Turn to the professionals who discovered that Christine’s Organic Pet Food didn’t know how to make those cute dog desserts safely. Privy Private Detectives is the only private detectives firm that hires exclusively ex-cons, so you know you are getting the best insight into the criminal mind. With Privy, we’ll solve the case or you won’t pay much! Call 614-GUM-SHOE or wait for us to find you.

Bernstein and Brown, Attorneys at Law

Are private detectives hassling you in the middle of the night? No one but your doctor or plumber has the right to make you answer questions about poop. You need an attorney. Let the experienced litigators of Berstein and Brown represent you. Bernstein and Brown win high profile cases like Jones v. Taco Bell, Jones v. Choco Taco, and Bernstein v. Brown. Your initial consultation is free and you will receive a gift basket of Choco Tacos, per the settlement in Jones v. Choco Taco. Call 614-SUE-4YOU

Solid Debt Consolidation

Services like cockfighting rings and poop scoopers sound very attractive, but they can lead to massive amounts of debt and shame. The professionals at Solid Debt Consolidation can help with the debt and recommend a good therapist for the shame. Pending the results of an expensive civil suit from Bernstein and Brown, we’ll loan you money at a low interest rate so you can pay back the dangerous people you turned to as a last resort. But really what we loan you is more than money, it’s the second chance no one else will give you because you don’t pay back debts on time. Call 614-IN2-DEEP and don’t even think about bankruptcy for a little longer. Backed by the collection services of Privy Private Detectives.

The Gunsmith

Buy a gun. Load it. Point it at a covertly taken picture of your enemy. Maybe it’s the pastry chef who poisoned your dog. Maybe it’s the guy who ruined your swimming pool. Maybe it’s even the lawyer who sued you for all the Choco Tacos you were worth. That feels good, doesn’t it? It’s the power. The power of knowing that you and your gun can make a difference in this slime ball of a world. But I don’t sell guns. I’m just a concerned citizen. Use the gun.

The Sundial Humor Magazine (formally Dale’s Poop and Scoop)

Visit sundial.osu.edu more often. Please.

-Kyle Marks, Senior Staff-Member