Happy Halloween and all that. So, it’s that time when we all either go to strangers doors and receive sugar coated treats, go to parties to show off our strange costumes (or lack of costumes, or lack of decency in our costumes), or try to scare each other until we are all wearing wet pants. So, let’s talk about scary shit, shall we?

Sorry, this article is not going to be about ghost sightings, potential zombie plagues, serial killers, demonic possession, alien abduction, or other classical Halloween frights that don’t scare level-headed, mature people over the age of 16. Let’s talk about shit that is going to actually haunt you. Spooky scaries that are not skeletons.

 

The Economy

So you got your Bachelor’s degree in anything that is not engineering. Congratulations! The world is now your oyster! Go out and do anything you want to make money. There’s jobs available everywhere! I mean just last year… American businesses made HUGE profits! And as we all know, more money means more jobs, right? MORE JOBS FOR EVERYONE! Who cares if they’re minimum wage and part-time, amiright?

By the way, you spend most of your time on your oyster at your parent’s house. The old green couch that you’ve had for years is now your oyster. Oysters are now green.

 

American Politics

SPOOKY DEBATES. SCARY 2 PARTY SYSTEM. CREEPY PATRIOTIC GHOSTS OF AMERICA.

I don’t know where I was going with that, but that’s analogous to your job search if you are today’s average college graduate. Just keep on trying and trying and eventually something will stick, right? At this point in your life, you start watching/reading/hearing the news more on your television/computer/CB radio. You start to notice something, too. This “government” thing is responsible for a LOT of stuff, isn’t it?

Yeah, this “government” thing is responsible for the roads, clean water, prisons, and the regulation of sugar coated treats! How can they be expected to handle all that when there are two political parties fighting tooth and nail over everything. You haven’t really studied politics much, but you’re sure you could do a better job than those idiots on Wall… Capitol Hill. Why don’t we just privatize everything? Nothing could go wrong with that, just look at how well our economy is doing!

Actually, why not just privatize the government? Everything done by Wall Street never does anything unethical.

 

The Environment

The other day after your second shift at McBoogers a co-worker told you about something awesome they found out in the suburbs at an abandoned farm. A tree! You remember those, don’t you? They had those weird oyster colored things on them that turned red and then fell off. What were those things called? Make like a tree and… go! They were called goes.

You go back home to the house you inherited from your parents, and wonder what a tree must feel like. When’s the last time you saw a tree? Aw screw it, this is our planet! If we (more specifically, large corporations) want to pollute the environment to gain more in an artificial economy that we thought up ourselves, let’s do it! It’s not like our environment isn’t infinitely explointable.

 

You’re Aging

Okay, okay. So this isn’t as scary as immortality would be, but it’s close. You’re sitting around on your oyster when you realize that tomorrow is Halloween! Oh boy, you should go to that party your co-workers were talking about. You’re too embarrassed though, because your old sexy costumes now show off years of neglect you’ve done to your body. Maybe working at a burger place contributes to obesity.

You know, because obesity is a problem with individuals, not with the oversaturation of fats and sugars in our food products. Nope, totally the buyers fault, NOT the producers.

—Kelli Knipe: Co-editor, Staff Writer, Fartist, Mass Producer of Sarcasm