TYRANNY—From the Kent State Massacre to Occupy Wallstreet, power hungry
fat cats have had a long history of crushing the little guy, of aggressively and
violently responding to peaceful protests and demonstrations. And now that
tradition is clashing with another tradition.
THE MIRROR LAKE JUMP—Nothing says “Fuck Michigan” quite like jumping
into a body of freezing cold water, except maybe a sign that says “Fuck
Michigan,” but who has time for that, the game’s about to start.
OHIO STATE V. MICHIGAN—For many students this long standing rivalry is their
first opportunity to hate a large group of people for no apparent reason.
But apparently the new OSU president, Michael V. Drake, has a problem with
hating large groups of people for no apparent reason. I wonder why?
Look closely:
I think you catch my drift.
Those round glasses. That bald head. Those pouty lips. He’s clearly a Michigan
fan. And that’s why he’s trying to kill The Jump.
According to one student, who seemed to know what he was talking about, the
school plans to drain Mirror Lake this year before the Ohio State-Michigan game,
in order to prevent students from participating in the tradition.
But that won’t stop us Buckeyes. You can’t keep the Buckeyes down. You can’t
oppress us. We’re fucking crazy.
“What to do? What to do?” the students shout.
Well, a group of students got together and took a look at the tradition. They
asked themselves: What’s the logic behind jumping into a body of freezing cold
water? Some said that it symbolizes the human condition, some said that it
shows the toughness and resolve of OSU students, but most were too drunk to
give a shit.
One thing that they all agreed upon was the damage the tradition did to
participators’ genitals, and then they were like, “Whoa, man. Boom. Idea. Let’s all
cut off our testicles.” There was much cheering and celebration.
So I asked some football guys what they thought, and one of them was like, “I
think it’s a fantastic idea. The Mirror Lake Jump is a big part of what makes this
school great, and it really helps the team. When I see my peers out there,
freezing their asses off, swearing through the pain, and doing unspeakably cruel
things to their genitals, it really makes me feel good about myself, and that helps
me on game day. I’m glad to see students taking it upon themselves to carry on
some of those qualities to a new tradition.”
“Well, I’m actually just visiting,” one student said, “but I was thinking that I might
just shave some skin off the shaft of my penis with a straight edged razor or
something, because, you know, it’s still a great team, and I want to support
them.”
Wow, what a super awesome quote. I’m so glad I got to talk to that guy. Y’all got
to hear him, too. You’re so brilliant. How ‘bout a round of applause for the
readers! Because you’re so brilliant!
I’m sorry, I’m a little drunk. I’m getting ready for this challenge. I know it’s a little
bit early, but, hey, the ladies have always said that I’m premature. Maybe I won’t
cum so quickly when I’m missing a testicle, Crissy!I’m sorry if this got off track, Crissy! But that’s what happens when you fuck my
best friend!
-EJS, Contributor