We all know that Thanksgiving can be a stressful time: overbearing loved ones, bringing home the significant other for the first (and probably last) time, and deciding how many plates of food is too many (hint: it’s four). These recipes will help you create memories that won’t last nearly as long as the memories of being shamed by your parents for not being as successful as your cousin who got that paid internship at Google. It’s not his fault he is going to have a better life than you. It’s your fault for trying to get an English degree. Anyway, here are some recipes. Maybe you can fix all of your family’s problems by feeding them a delicious side dish. Probably not, though. You probably shouldn’t even try. You’ll probably just bring the same dish as your cousin. And his dish will probably be better than yours. And your parents probably won’t let you live THAT down either. However, if you do want to try, these are your best bet:
Grass is Always Green Beanier on the Other Side Casserole:
Step 1. Make a Green Bean casserole. I think its like, green beans and some creamy soup? I don’t know, I’ve never actually Green Bean casserole. I don’t like Green Beans.
Step 2. Eat
Step 3. Think about how everyone else in the country must be having a great time at Thanksgiving. Wonder how other people must be happy that their mother doesn’t ask how long until they’re single and drinking themselves to sleep every other night, again. After Carra broke their heart. Right before Spring Break.
Step 4: Throw away leftovers. That shit is gross, dude.
Blood is Thicker than Wine Coolers
Step 1: Grab a wine cooler.
Step 2. Throw that away and grab a bottle of vodka.
Step 3. Get so drunk that you forget about your parents’ disappointed looks when you told them that you started writing for a comedy magazine.
Step 4. Before leaving your parent’s house, steal all of the extra wine and take it back to your apartment.
Step 5. Take a blood oath with your roommate that states that you’ll never let them go to another thanksgiving without having something great to tell you family.
Step 6. Go to a doctor, get a blood test.
(S)Mash Something Beautiful Potatoes
Step 1. Grab some Idaho Potatoes, the best potatoes for being reminded of the simple times you’ll never, ever, ever have in your life again.
Step 2. Grab a hammer, or if you have one, a sledgehammer.
Step 3. Boil potatoes until soft and mashable. Add a dash of salt to the water to break up the starch.
Step 4. Place boiled potatoes on your cousin’s new sports car (its probably a Miata.)
Step 5. Mash potatoes with hammer until your uncles pulls you out of your rage-filled stupor.
Step 6. Sell your Xbox, laptop, and TV to pay for the damages to your cousin’s car.
DepreShameXiety (Holiday Blues Turducken)
Step 1. Make a TurDucken (look that shit up for yourself).
Step 2. Lay down on a comfortable couch and look up at the ceiling.
Step 3. Talk to the Turducken about your Depression, Shame and Anxiety.
Step 4. Eat the Turducken to repress all feelings and emotions until you can see an actual therapist.
Step 5. Watch Parks and Recreation on Netflix.
Step 6. Have you seen a therapist yet? If no: Call one. If yes: reward yourself with more Netflix.
I’ll Never be Happy Gravy
Step 1. Drink gravy straight from gravy boat.
Everything is Going to Be Okay Pie
Step 1. Grab a pie, any pie. I like apple.
Step 2. Eat whole pie.
Step 3. Know think hope wish plead that everything is going to be okay.
-Vanilla Valley, Contributor