Dear Ohio State University Students, 

Its no secret that each year we like to e-mail you trying to convince you not to jump into Mirror Lake, and that each year you brave little shits still jump into that bacterial cesspool anyways.

I’m getting pretty sick and tired of sending you these passive-aggressive e-mails every November.  So you know what? PLOT TWIST.  Jump into that disgusting swamp.  See if we care.  I heard pneumonia is a super fun illness.  A part of me thinks that you little gold diggers want to get sick and injured in hopes of a large payout. Joke’s on you, this isn’t a school-sanctioned event so you won’t get a dime from us!

Your decision to jump into wastewater sewage in the freezing cold is clearly a very mature and intelligent decision.  I’m sure your parents are super proud of you and all of the decisions you make.  Speaking of your parents, I’m sure they would love if you went home early and spent some extra time with them.  They only raised you, fed you, and helped you become an active member of society, but no, you’d rather jump into toxic wastewater than spend some extra time with them.  You’re a super awesome human being.

At this point in the e-mail, I would normally give you a list of all of the health risks associated with drinking copious amounts of alcohol and then jumping in the water.  But I’m not going to do that this year.  I spend a lot of time on that list, but without fail, you imbeciles ignore modern medicine and decide that you’re invincible.  You think that hypothermia doesn’t apply to you.  Who the hell do you think you are, Elsa?  Has the cold never bothered you anyways?!?!  Well you know what? I’M ELSA!  I’M LETTING IT GO! I’m done.  I give up.  No fences, no wristbands, no nothing.  Do whatever the hell you want.

 

Bye Felicia,

The Ohio State University Office of Student Life
Address: 1739 N. High Street, Columbus, OH 43210
Phone: 614 – …..Actually, no. You can’t have our phone number, because we don’t wanna hear from you when you break your toe or some shit like that.

-Marianne Iskander, Staff-Writer