Star on top of Christmas Tree: The Star is representative of the North Star; however, this tradition was started way back when people thought “north” just meant “up.”
The Christmas Tree: In the old times, they didn’t have pine scented candles, so they had to move the whole damn tree inside. Later, decorations were added to make it seem like a totally normal thing to do. Presents weren’t intentionally put under the tree, there was just no where else to put them, because there was a tree in the house.
Christmas Ham: Its straight-up to spite Jewish people.
Christmas Duck: For people who don’t want to spite Jewish people.
Christmas Lobster: For people who want to spite Jewish people and the 99%.
Santa: Invented as a way to ease Catholic children into the understanding that if you are naughty, you burn in Hell for all of eternity. The coal is a direct metaphor.
Elves: A not-so-subtle way to disguise the children who already slave away at making our presents.
Mistletoe: Derek and Cindy made that shit up so they could make out at Christmas and not get weird looks from their more reserved family members who like to enjoy Christmas without the background sounds of two slugs fighting in a bowl of Jello.
Secret Santa: Created so Jim could give a sentimental gift to Pam.
Candy Canes: Fabricated in an attempt to find nicer ways of offering mints to people whom have ass-breath.
Fruit Cake: Originally made as a more harsh alternative to coal for naughty children.
Gingerbread Men: Voodoo dolls that only work if you bake them with flour made of the victim’s bones. They never caught on since getting someone’s bones is a bit harder than getting a piece of hair.
Gingerbread Houses: Voodoo dolls for houses. Again, the bone thing still stands. These were widely impractical do to the low number of houses built with bones. Also, the low number of houses that people wish to torture or manipulate.
-Vanilla Valley, Contributor