Some of you have read this title and thought this must be one of those cute stories of how a small prepubescent child met jolly old St. Nick. The story would be sickeningly adorable and you would see after the first three sentences that it is most likely the kid’s father. See this is not that type of story. One major difference is that I met Santa Claus at the tender age of twenty-three. Ok, listen; I know there are a plethora of ideas going through your head right now about how crazy or full of it I am. (Most of them probably pertain to alcohol) Please, just keep reading.
It was the night of Christmas Eve and my mom was sleeping and I was wide awake because I had finally gotten home from working retail. My hands were sore, my feet were on fire and my throat was dry from yelling. The resonating thoughts of the day kept swirling in my head like a miasma of complaints and pain. I had slopped down on the couch and thought about watching some Netflix when I noticed the soothing snoring of my mom in the next room. I said to myself “I shouldn’t wake her” but then again she can sleep through anything. So, I tried reaching for my PS3 controller but it was on the floor and two feet away. I sighed a feeling of frustration and closed my eyes.
While they were closed I heard a slight rustling. It became louder and louder until it seemed as close as whisper. When I had finally opened my eyes I saw a short man climbing through my window. My first thought was please be a dream because I did not feel like kicking this guy’s ass. When I opened my eyes again he was still there, struggling through the window. After about two more minutes he had finally gotten through and it was then he had finally noticed me. We locked eyes and were silent, I had not moved at all and he had also froze. If it had not been such a tense moment, one could consider this a little awkward because I could tell he had not expected me to be there.
At this point you are probably wondering; why the hell didn’t I call the police? First, my phone was dead. Second, my mom works as a clerk and I work retail so we did not have anything valuable to steal. Third, I am a trained martial artist and lastly most burglars don’t carry guns. Unfortunately, I was wrong about the last one.
After we both came to our senses from the awkward staring contest, I got up to do a front kick. I knocked him into our small television, which I quickly regretted afterwards. As I leaned over to finish him off I felt a metal object sticking into my abdomen. “Okay bub, that really hurts,” he said as he pushed the pistol further into my gut. I walked backwards and had remained silent while cursing quietly to myself for not taking him out quicker. “Listen bub, you are going to sit down and I am going to tie you up all nice like,” he said with a prominent cockney British accent. He then grabbed some rope that I had lying in the corner (I like rock climbing, sue me). “Why do you want to rob us, we are so poor?” I asked him as he was tying me up. “Honestly, bub I had been staking this whole building out for months and I thought this window was for another family,” he said after he had figured out what type of knot to use. Wow, I could not believe such an honest and clumsy idiot was robbing me. His accent was pretty cool though.
When he had finished tying me up, he began to sort through my things to see if it was worth anything. He picked up my five year old netbook that has Windows XP, my PS3 that constantly overheats and my now cracked television that I kicked him into. When he placed everything into a pile in the corner, I heard another rustling except this time it came from the adjacent window. (Seriously, do I have a rob me sign outside my condo?) Then something strange happened; the sound of rustling turned into jingling. Suddenly, the window flew open and a gust of snow rushes into the living room.
After the snow had cleared I could not believe my eyes as I stared at the Easter Bunny! No, of course I am not serious, I mean the title of this freakin’ story is Santa Claus and it has been over 700 words by now. Anyways back to the story. Both of us stared in awe of him, he looked exactly like the Santa from the Coca-Cola commercials. “Hohoho, my dear boy it seems you have gotten into quite a pickle,” he said with a joyous laugh and twinkle in his eye. “Hey, who are you calling boy?” I said accusingly. Santa laughed again with an even greater ferocity but then directed his attention to the burglar. “Oh my you have been very naughty this year and I know exactly what you deserve,” Santa said with smile filled with subtle aggression. He had then reached into his large sack but at that moment the burglar snapped out of his awe and grew angry. “Hey wait a tick, I don’t even believe in Santa, I am daoist and besides I am not gonna let some fat old bloke screw with me.” The burglar then whipped around and turned his gun at Santa. Just then Santa had finally found what he was looking for in his sack, a lump of coal. He then threw it at the burglar and it hits his hand with such force that it had knocked the gun away. “Bloody hell, I think you broke my bloody hand,” the burglar uttered. “Oh naughty boy, I am not done yet.” He had then reached into his sack and pulls out a large candy cane the size of a baseball bat and swings and hits the burglar over the head. The burglar fell over and is out cold. Santa then knelt over the burglar and bellowed out another joyful and jolly belly laugh. I had not said a word and sat there awestruck. He then came over to untie me.
“Oh my boy, you must relax it is only me jolly ole Saint Nick,” he had said after he was done undoing my restraints. “Seriously,” I replied with a dumb look on my face. He had then laughed again and went over to his sack and pulled out an ultrabook, a PS4, and a 1080p flat screen television. He then took out a set of car keys. “Don’t forget to give these to your mother, there is a new Mitsubishi outside for her,” he said as he placed the keys into my hand. I stared at all of the gifts and was weak in the knees. So many questions that I would later have but at that moment the only thing that I was say at the time was “thank you.” He had then given me a wink and turned towards the unconscious cockney burglar on the ground. In one big swoop he grabbed the man by the leg and threw him into the sack.”What are you going to do with him, “ I asked after gaining my senses. “Hohohoho, I am going to take him to the North Pole so he can work on toys for the rest of his days. How do you think I supply labor?” he said with a frightening joviality. In a flash he had disappeared again and flew right through the window.
I had stood there and looked at the gaping widow as snow slowly trickled in. I then looked around the room and saw all of the gifts he had given us. The room was quiet except for the soft snoring of my mom. I had finally sat down still holding the car keys in my hand. That was astonishing event but in the end I was a little remorseful. I felt bad because I did not have the heart to tell him that I was a Muslim.
-London Vayavong, Contributor