Oh Christmas Tree. Oh Christmas Tree. How lovely are your branches. How telling….how revealing….are your clairvoyant, nth-dimensional branches. I look at them, and they tell me everything I need to know about your future. Without further ado, here are your fates:
Aquarius- What are you getting for Christmas, you ask? THAT’S NOT WHAT I’M HERE FOR! You think I would abuse my powers to spoil Christmas or Hanukah just for you?! Nuh-uh. You might just get coal, Aquarius. You might just get coal.
Pisces- We have received word from the Great Cosmic Space-Tortoise that your birthstone has been officially changed to Jasper. We repeat; your birthstone has been changed to Jasper. That is all.
Aries- Hey Aries, try and take it easy this year, will you? Remember last New Year’s party? Oh, you don’t? That’s my point exactly, Aries. You may not remember it very well, but your Aunt sure does, and she’s not likely to forget your tabletop antics anytime soon. Dropping the ball over Times Square is not an invitation to also “drop that bass.”
Taurus- Whether it is against your will or not, this year you will finally break the record for the number of shitty Lifetime Christmas movies you watch in a row. Let’s all sit down and watch yet another Hugh Grant lookalike rediscover the meaning of Christmas and find love while he’s at it.
Gemini- Due to an unprecedented wave of cyberattacks, the eternal heavens above have decided not to release your horoscope, Gemini. Though it was originally scheduled for a Christmas Day release, the threats that have been made to Geminis everywhere has led us to make the difficult decision to withhold the horoscope from releasing indefinitely. We have reasonable suspicion that it was a certain mad, gout-ridden dictator, but we will let Obama decide that one.
Cancer- School is finally out, and now you can catch up on all the Netflix shows your parents are watching, like Marco Polo. This is what the Holidays are truly about.
Leo- Hurry! Hurry, and get on a computer, Leo! Saturn, Saturn’s moons, and Saturn’s secret moons are out of whack, which means that Pinterest is in danger of shutting down! And we both know, Leo, that without Pinterest you will have absolutely zero original gift ideas for Christmas. Oh no, you missed it. Pinterest is gone. It looks like your cousin’s kids will just have to get Twitches 2 on DVD, to compliment last year’s gift- Twitches on DVD.
Virgo- Nobody likes the person who stands under the mistletoe the entire party, sipping casually from a long-empty mug. Waiting in ambush under the mistletoe will not get you laid, Virgo.
Libra- Hello Libra! This week, you get two horoscopes, as promised! Why? The stars, despite their infinite wisdom, forgot to give Libra a horoscope last week. Maybe the stars were busy, and really stressed out from grad school applications, and maybe you should just get off the stars’ back, okay? Geez! The stars make one mistake and suddenly Tina thinks I don’t love her anymore because of one stupid little horoscope….Sorry, readers, I digress. Anyway, you’re going to have a good break, Libra. Don’t forget to give your loved ones their fair due, no matter how trivial and totally unimportant it is….
SuperLibra- And now, as promised, you will receive two horoscopes, as I will invoke the rarely-seen SuperLibra, which is anyone born between September 24th, and Galgatrember 2, which is one of the less savory dimensions of the nethersphere. SuperLibra, it looks like someone might just be getting that Tachyon DarkPulser they’ve always wanted!
Scorpio- The great Scorpio Culling was over a year ago, now, which only means one thing: new Scorpios have been born into the world. Bright, shining little babes to carry the future of humanity in their little, Scorpio claws. May your days be bright, your nights safe, and your chitin exoskeleton be smooth and shiny!
Sagittarius- When I asked the distant stars and galaxies what they had in mind for you, Sagittarius, all I received in response was the following noise: oooEEEEEahhhhEEEEEEEahhhhhoooooooEEEEEEEE!!! Make of that what you will.
Capricorn- Remember all the good times we had? Remember all our late-night popcorn parties and bowling on Saturdays, and walks through the park downtown? I can see the future, and I still see us together, walking on a beach, maybe with a kid or two, our house in the background. Jupiter is out of alignment, Mars is out of alignment….and I’m out of alignment, Tina. I’m out of alignment without you. Please come back to me, Tina! TINAAAAAA!
-Ben Fogle, Senior Staff-Member