For Rent: Great Boyfriend
Cost: $200 per date

Tired of being alone? Of course you’re not, you’re in college where you can’t ever get away from the 50,000+ people you’re forced to walk past every stinking day. However, you are tired of people giving you shit for not going on dates. Instead of sticking up for yourself and staying happily independent, consider giving up your dignity and rent my boyfriend!

I’m renting out my boyfriend as a way to cash in on women who smarten up and realize that what others think of them is paramount. Trust me, I know what it is like to be seen out in public alone. Regardless of how smart, confident, or completely capable of a person I am, I know that none of that matters. Image is what matters. I know how horrible it is to have to be judged by your ability to get a quality man. Or rather, to be gotten by a quality man. Lets not forget how these people who judge us really see the world.

My boyfriend (or soon to be your boyfriend) is the perfect way to show them that you’re the kind  of gal who knows that she is only a productive member of society if she’s being reproductive. He is 6’2”, has great blonde hair, impressive bulge, can make anyone laugh, and cleans up nicely. He is also a little husky, so you’re pretty much guaranteed to feel like the more attractive person on the date. Others will pick up on this and thank you for your perceived charity.

Now, while you’re on the date, it is important that you enjoy yourself, since you’re going to hate yourself for giving up your morals and paying for a date just to please others. He is trained to open just enough doors to show that he’s a gentleman, but not too many as to make you feel like you’re supporting the patriarchy by having a man decide how you enter a building. He is well educated and up to date on modern pop culture, but will make sure you feel like you’re both contributing to the conversation, even though he knows you don’t actually know shit about Orange Is The New Black or Game of Thrones and you only watch Gossip Girl and American Idol. You can always meet in the middle on Doctor Who, because this is your fake date, and you should enjoy it with real conversations about fictitious characters.

You can also name him. Contact me with the name of the guy you lied to your parents about dating and he’ll respond to that name. An extra $25 and he’ll wear a cool eye patch, an extra $50 and he’ll grow a beard (must make at least a two week prior reservation). If you really feel like splurging on yourself,  add an extra $100 and you can fight your date in public, complete with shouting, passive aggressive insult, and ending with you throwing your drink in his face and storming out. What a better way to let off steam than to pay to break up with a fake boyfriend and go home alone? Maybe that will show the people who want you to date that maybe you’re just better off on your own right now. It won’t, but don’t let that stop you from trying hopelessly and returning if our service help silence those nagging friends and family of yours.

Valentine’s Day pricing negotiable upon request. No refunds.

Call or text for reservations or questions: 614 555 1073

-Vanilla Valley, Staff-Member