“Hey James, I’m a freshman who has a girlfriend who also happens to be a freshman. What date things can we do on campus, besides making-out when her 3 roommates aren’t there?”
-Terry Bandstands, Freshman
Well Terry, I can say from personal experience that this is a fantastic question. I too had a totally non-imaginary girlfriend my freshman year. Her name was Jane Smith and I can provide both photo evidence and a social security number, just to prove any doubts you may have about my legitimate relationship. Anyways, I can sympathize with your struggle to find fun and romantic activities the two, or three (I’m not judging), of you can do on campus. Not having a car or non-two wheeled mode of transportation to call your own really does put a sock on the doorknob of fun. Luckily, I’m here to provide you fun loving freshmen, freshwomen, and fresh-everything-in-between with exciting, sensual, and real activities to do with your significant other.
Couple’s Longboarding – Think about it. Going anywhere between a smooth five inches per hour or a totally safe forty miles per hour, down a congested sidewalk, squished your respected romantic joints with your lovely lady or man-some man. You’ll be hugging the turns, and in turn, hugging each other. Don’t worry when you pass people who give you the bird, they’re just jealous, a bird for a love bird. Also, you probably ran over their already fragile toes, causing a lengthy bout with multiple surgeries ultimately ending in a loss to early arthritis. But who cares, you’re in love and you have a longboard.
Couple’s Library Homework – You want to whisper sweet nothings into her ear? This is the place to do it, because you can’t do anything else. Now, both of you can be frustrated by MyMathLab together, as a couple. Feel like you deserved that point on your Carmen quiz? Complain to her, because nobody else wants to hear it. Want to spice things up? Take snapchats of each other while you study, because you are a spontaneous fox, stoppable only through clever population control and shotguns.
Couples Sauna – Do you want to get hot and steamy with your lovely lady? Do you want to simulate being a bag of frozen fresh steam broccoli in a microwave with bae? Do you want to experience Hell, Venn Diagrammed with a rainstorm next to your pit stained cutie? If you said yes or no to any of these questions that asked the same exact thing, then head on down to the RPAC’s best kept secret. No, not the closet shrine to Gordon Gee and Jim Tressel, but the Sauna outside of the pool. Most people leave a butt shaped sweat puddle, but you and your sweaty sweetie will leave a heart shaped sweat puddle, that looks awfully like two butt prints at an awkwardly romantic angle. To make it extra steamy, wear as many layers of clothing as possible. The harder it becomes to strip off that second of three sweaters, the harder your love becomes. Nothing says romance like a heat induced stroke.
Couples Lining – This is a hot new fad from eastern South America, Chile for the educated types. It’s called Lining. What you do is have your significant other get in line, let somebody else get in line, and then follow suit, getting in line. This creates a sensual and totally not awkward stranger sandwich. He/She will be delighted to be the conversational monkey in the middle. And, if they put headphones in, it is secret code for hard mode, which means you just talk louder and about more intimate relationship issues. Those Chileans will soon be known for their cute queuing, and not their sexy trapped miners like they used to be.
Couple’s Slow Walking – If wheels and long pieces of wood scare you, like they scared the Incans, then couple’s slow walking is for you. Hand in hand. Sidewalk all to your cute selves. This activity serves a dual purpose, romance and exercise. Preventing a freshman fifteen and a freshman loneliness, something that sometimes goes hand in hand, just like you and your sweetie. For extra romance, try doing this right after class in the stairs going up and down Enarson. Nobody will complain, because of the love you share, and not because they are slowly inserting a knife inside of you.
These are only a few suggestions, as you have a myriad of possibilities. Like, you could go to the Blackwell, go to a free athletic event, or a concert from the college of music. Or, just make-out at your dorm when your roommates aren’t there. Wait, that’s probably the option you’ll go with. Darn.
-James Wagner, Romance Expert and Bed Dryer.