Hellllloooooooo dear readers! I know it’s been a while. I’ve been….busy. As you know, I get your horoscopes straight from the Great Cosmic Space Tortoise himself, and I may have accrued some…debt. The GCST is not an Omnipotence you want to owe money to, so I’ve been trying to raise some cash and avoid having my eternal essence devoured whole by his Mighty Tortoise-ly Radiance. This week I managed to get your horoscopes by watching starling flight patterns, but it took foreeeeeeever. Without further ado, here are your fates:
Aquarius– If you are reading a book or watching a TV show, you may have noticed that it suddenly started snowing in that book or TV show in a completely out-of-place manner. That’s because it is so cold outside, the snow has broken the boundary between reality and fiction. Both you and your beloved characters will have to adapt to the popsicle shitstorm that is Ohio.
Pisces– Venus is ascending, Mars is ascending and the heavens are radiant! That being said, you will walk outside and be instantly mauled by an Alaskan malamute. For some of you it will come from the right, some of you from the left, and for one very unfortunate person it will come from above. Yeah, that’s really it. Sorry Pisces, I don’t have anything more uplifting to tell you.
Aries– You have been taking many trips down Nostalgia Lane lately, but be careful. Nostalgia Lane has many road-bumps, potholes, and unsavory hitch-hikers. And if you stay on it too long, you run the danger of seeing your middle-school haircut and literally cringing until you die.
Taurus– A wise man once said there is safety in numbers. He was eventually killed by an angry mob. BE ALONE, TAURUS.
Gemini– Don’t worry if the Oscars did not turn out like you hoped they would. Ed Norton’s presence was so ubiquitous this year I’m sure he won for something. Also, if you thought Boyhood should have won, save it. Nobody wants to hear that right now.
Cancer– If you are scared by pink ribbons, you should be. People who wear them are in a cult dedicated to the eradication of all Cancers. Don’t let what happened to the Scorpios happen to you! Run, Cancer! Run!
Leo– Leo, have you ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? Let me demonstrate: for the next couple of hours you will have the song “Pocket Full of Sunshine” stuck in your head. Can you hear it? “I’ve got a I’ve got a pocket full of sunshine” and then a little bit more and then she’s all like “Take me awaaaaaaay to a secret plaaaaaaaace…”
Virgo– Ohio is a gray, popsicle shitstorm wasteland, and the only thing to do is stay inside and copulate like little arctic bunnies. Unfortunately, Virgo, the co-eds in your dorm will still not elect to bang you.
Libra– Now that Parks and Rec is over you may think you have nothing to live for anymore. Well, you’re absolutely right. It’s all pretty much over. No more Leslie and her comical optimism, or Ron and his comical stoicism, or Aziz Ansari and his comical femininity. Now it’s just you, and your noncomical you-ness.
Scorpio– All the Scorpios were wiped out last year, but fortunately more lovely little baby Scorpios were born! You guys are getting up there in age, and it’s time to try your first words! Try saying “Dad” or “Mom” or “Doctorate” or “Necromancer” depending on exactly just what type of parents you have…
Sagittarius– There once was a man from Toledo,
who dreamed he was wearing a Speedo,
I’m sorry, it’s true, but this man was you,
Dude, please don’t wear it to the lido.
Capricorn– If you own an Alaskan malamute, take it for a walk today! You know what, just let it run free! Your Alaskan malamute will thank you for allowing it the opportunity to maul that Pisces down the street. Alaskan malamutes hate Pisces.
-Ben Fogle, Senior Staff-Member