Our resident astrologist decided he needed to focus on these things called classes, because apparently graduating is important or something. I had every intention of just staying in school for the rest of my life, because I have no desire to be a real adult. Anyway, I couldn’t care less about international terrorism or the Chinese language or the other things I’m supposedly studying, so I was enlisted to take over for the week. I took an Astronomy class once, so this shouldn’t be too hard… Wait, you mean astronomy and astrology are two different things? And astrology is a pseudo-science that uses vague, unexplainable phrases like “Jupiter is in Mars’ seventh house” and “Neptune is dangerously close to Mercury”?
Yep. I can totally make this up as I go along.
Aquarius – You know what happens when you drink too much. Why don’t you take the weekend off? You don’t need to be smashed every day every weekend. Maybe it would be beneficial to actually pay attention to your homework over the weekend for once. As an Aquarius, our resident astrologist seems to think that’s a good idea. I can’t fathom why, but it seems like a good idea for you. Or you could go to a party and drunkenly sing “Aquarius” like you do every weekend.
Pisces – You’re going to meet somebody this week. They might be important, they might not be. But someone is definitely going to come into your life for a reason I don’t want or have to explain. I’m writing these. I can say whatever I want.
Aries – I would avoid anything to do with chemicals this week. You don’t need that chemistry class, and you really don’t need that job as a chemical engineer. Don’t even use that cleaner to clear out your sink this week. If you don’t listen to me, there’s a chemical burn in your future.
Taurus – Be careful of your anger this week, Taurus. I like to go off on my mother when she’s pissing me off as much as the next guy, but she’s the one paying my tuition bills. Think about what you could lose before you start screaming at every person who makes you mad.
Gemini – Do you remember that time when you binge watched Netflix for three weeks straight? As a Gemini myself, I remember those times fondly. It’s going to be an awful week as per usual, so you might as well just put your pajamas back on and not leave your bed for five days for anything other than food and potty breaks, because Netflix will solve all of your problems for the week. Or make them worse. What do I know?
Cancer – Prepare for a dull week, Pisces. Nothing absolutely horrible is going to happen, but nothing spectacular will come your way either. The stars just don’t care about you, Cancer. Sorry for your loss.
Leo – Your larger than life personality is going to get you in trouble this week. Just be careful who you tell jokes to; people might not think you’re as funny as you do. But I wouldn’t know anything about that. Everyone thinks I’m funny. Why do you think I’m the stand-in astrologist this week?
Virgo – The stars have finally aligned for you, Virgo: YOU ARE GOING TO GET LAID THIS WEEK! It’s about damn time. Seriously. Even our usual astrologist gets some booty every once in a while, and he writes these every week.
Libra – Virgo took your lucky stars. Your impulse purchases are going to come back to bite you in the butt. You spent $514 on shoes, and now you owe your plumber $581 because your little cousin tried to flush said pair of shoes down the toilet. That should probably be the last time you have family over to your apartment.
Scorpio – Apparently new Scorpios were born, but I haven’t met any of them. However, I have heard that one adult Scorpio still exists! His name is Will Forte, and supposedly he has his own show about how he’s the last Scorpio on the planet. If there were any Scorpios still out there, I’d suggest you check it out. However, this section will be used for ad space instead. Go watch Fox’s new apocalyptic comedy: Last Scorpio on Earth. I’ve heard it’s funny or something.
Sagittarius – I’m running out of ideas… so for you, Sagittarius, let’s say a giant hole is going to open up in the road while you’re driving to work, and you’re going to fall into it. I’ve heard rumors Mars is mad at Venus because she turned him down for a date. Apparently Mars actually cares about you enough to smite you when he’s mad. Why? Because whatever I say goes.
Capricorn – You need to get out more, Cap. You read these horoscopes like they actually mean something. Go hook up with a Virgo. They’re desperate enough to do pretty much whatever you want.
-Stacy Haerr, Staff-Member