CLEVELAND— Following the Cleveland Cavalier’s loss in the NBA Finals earlier this summer and the resigning of LeBron James and Kevin Love, coach David Blatt has already come up with a sure-fire plan for next year. “Since LeBron basically carried our team through the post season, we’re going to have him physically carry the team in the entire upcoming season,” Blatt explained. LeBron played for an average of 45.8 minutes per game in the Final series and triple-doubled throughout the postseason like it was nobody’s goddamned business.

Not only did LeBron lead his team in scoring, he also led his team in ability to play whilst injured. Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love both suffered injuries during the post season that took them off the court and may have contributed to the team loss in the National Championship. Blatt concurred, “This plan is a guaranteed way to prevent more injuries on any of our other players.” The whole bench is totally on board with the coach’s plan, as well.

Kyrie Irving defends, “I can’t re-injure my knee if Bron-Bron just carries me.”

Center Timofey Mozgov clarifies, “I don’t speak English.”

Benchwarmer Joe Harris adds, “Oh, I’m just here to look pretty.”

There is a downside to this plan, after all. Kyrie-replacement Matthew Dellavedova, who was a breakout star in the post season, won’t be on the floor. “I’m going to miss being able to break some ankles rolling around out there but I’ll take one for the team.”

As with any plan, there are critics of the idea Coach Blatt is so fond of. Fan Garret Rose claims, “I’m a little worried about next season. It’s one thing for us to depend on LeBron to score most of the points and get shit done, but I don’t think we should depend on him to actually carry them. I mean, is it even legal? How are they going to pass? Or dribble? Or run on the court?”

When questioned about the practicality of this new strategy, Coach Blatt defended, “Don’t worry about it.”

However, fans are still excited to watch what happens next year and believe in the strength of LeBron’s shoulders. Fan Aaron Smith stated, “They are going to be a complete defensive monster. Can you imagine trying to dunk on five over 6 foot tall men sitting on top of each other? It’ll be impossible!”

Finally, LeBron James shares his own thoughts: “Come on, guys. Seriously?”

 -Lauren Moliterno, Staff Member; Image by Nick Klein.