The sandwich mascot industry is currently as sloppy as a Joe. With Jared Fogle being sent to jail, which I believe to be a 24 hour Subway with less health code violations, the sandwich mascot industry needs a hero, both the hoagie and the figure. Unfortunately, one is not currently present, until now. In a press release, Oven Mitt, the former mascot of Arby’s, reminded everybody how “a balloon fetish was a comparatively harmless fetish.” Mitt also stated how he “hoped Arby’s would now reconsider his mascot deal” and “…if anybody would mind if he just kept the balloons from the event for no particular reason.”
Mr. Mitt, whose given name is Hans Gretel, was the former mascot of Arby’s from March 2003 to 2005 of that same month. He was slowly phased out for a “more modern approach to advertising”, which I assume means a hashtag, a black guy enjoying their product, and some mild dubstep. Mitt, has however stated that he was fired, for the “Gabriella’s Twelfth Birthday Accidental Balloon Pop of 2005.” When I asked Hans about this incident, he just stared off into the distance, shuttered, and developed a slight erection, which I had no clue an anthropomorphic oven mitt could even get a boner, but trust me, it can.
Arby’s is yet to release a statement about balloon fetishism, but I assume I know their stance, that it is a sin and Hans Gretel will forever burn in the oven known as Hell, which I believe to be a 24 hour Arby’s with no bathrooms.
-James Wagner, Staff Member, The Sundial’s Fast Food Mascot Section