On September 16th, 2015, The Sundial and many of its new fans collaborated to write this piece in chalk along a path of The Oval in the middle of campus. Each participant wrote one sentence at a time, then handed off the chalk to the next writer. This was the true result, exactly as it was written on The Oval. Enjoy, and thank you to everyone who helped us along!

In a world where goldfish crackers turn into real goldfish, everything changed for Little Timmy, whose mother still insisted on packing them in his lunch.

“But MOOOM! Fish are friends, not food!”

“Son, fish have no inherent value.”

And he replied, “But neither do you!”

Timmy was never the favorite of his mother. he was however the favorite of his Wizard Dentist, Magic-Pants Von Dentist-Face, who also happened to be his real uncle as he was only magical as a dentist.

Sensing Timmy’s anguish, Dr. Von Dentist-Face appeared in a puff of novicane dust.

“Timothy, I know the 9th grade can be tough, but you must persevere.”

Suddenly Timmy began vomiting goldfish all over Dr. Von Dentist-Face. It was in fact the snack that smiles back. As Dr. Von Dentist smiled at his now fish covered face, Timmy Von Trapp apologized for his outburst.

“I’ll have you know,” said the doctor, “that fish oil is great for your teeth!”

Suddenly a Wizard Fart emerged.

“To give you some Wizdom,” the Fart let rip, “you shouldn’t get into the fishy business of accounting.”

“You must never forget numbers are the devil’s lies,” said Dr. Von Dentist-Face, who was a part-time Oval preacher.

Timmy began to cry when he realized Donald Duck was president. Donald Duck was his adopted father and afro duck was his mom (yes, afro duck is a girl). Timmy also had three cousins, Hughie, Louie, and Scooby Doo. ROSE BREAK COPS, the band they started together, had a violin, a harmonica, and some drums no one knew how to play, except John Andretti, IndyCar driver. Always keeping with tradition, Donald Duck, their manager, used their sources to further his presidential campaign. He had a sister. She was his evil campaign manager and tried to steal all of his money.

Her name? Timmy Von Trapp.

And she used a personal email server. But any publicity is good publicity, much like Harry Potter fanfics with some arguably excessive themes of incest, which you can find at hopotwinlove.tumblr.com.

But is any incest good incest?

Yes.

And she looked deep into Timmy’s eyes and said, “Pull my finger.”

“No, but we should go on an ADVENTURE!”

“But wait,” Timmy cried, “I’m on parole and can’t leave the state, let’s just get some waffles at the Waffle Emporium.”

“Live a little,” she said.

And suddenly out of nowhere appeared the ghost of Billy Mayes.

“Not again, Billy Mayes!” she said, “Why do you have to make everything about you!”

She began to cry.

“Billy Mayes here for Politics and Purgatory!” he said with Oxi-Clean in one hand and a ransom note made out of human teeth.

She said, “You should like an Oval preacher!”

“That’s because I AM.”

And suddenly George Bush appeared and was immediately shot. RIP. He didn’t make a sound. He pulled off the meanest whip of 2015 and vanished. As the adorable Siberian Husky licked my face, I laughed hysterically.

“As far as dictators go, Joseph Stalin was a babe,” said Timmy. And suddenly with one swift motion, Timmy rips off a mask, revealing his true identity as none other than the TLC star, The Cake Boss, a C-list celebrity. He wanted to make a comeback, but he should have just gone on Dancing with the Stars. ABC said no to his request though. However, they decided to endorse Kanye’s bid for 2020 because they see clearly.

“A Kanye/Kardashian ticket is our best chance for president,” he said, “A rapper in the White House! If that’s the case why not Lil John? Ok! Yeah! What’s up!? But I digress, Childish Gambino is the answer to all America’s problems!”

And from that day forward, the presidency was always decided by rap battle. Childish had the advantage, but like a phoenix from the ashes, Meek Mill slated Gambino on the mic. Then Gambino punched Meek Mill right in the face and was declared winner. Meek Mill never quit, quitters never win and winners never quit. Looking back, this was the most important thing Timmy ever learned, all because his goldfish crackers came to life.