It’s October (I think. I’ve lost track.), which means Halloween is coming up. I’ve heard rumors that the planets and stars and whatever else dictates astrology have some spoopy plans coming up for y’all. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Or don’t. Because these are horoscopes, not prophecies. Those actually come true.
Aquarius: Aquarius, you probably didn’t listen to me last time when I told you to lay off the alcohol, but that’s pretty much what I’m going to advise again. Halloween + alcohol = all kinds of accidents. No, I don’t care if you’re dressing up as a slutty cat, that doesn’t mean you have nine lives. All I can say is that there’s probably a trip to the emergency room in your future.
Pisces: Be afraid of guys in masks. They’re either idiots or assholes, and neither bodes well for you. Ladies and genderfluid people in masks are fine. Just not guys.
Aries: We all know you get scared at the smallest things, like when your roommates unexpectedly show up in the kitchen even though they’ve woken up at the same time as you every Thursday since the semester started. Therefore, you might avoid the haunted houses this holiday season. Yeah, your friends make it sound like fun, but not sleeping for three days because you’re still scared of the fake werewolf who chased you down the hall will just make everyone hate you. Don’t be a grump, Aries.
Taurus: I’m assuming you don’t know how to celebrate Halloween, Taurus, because all I’m seeing in your future are midterms and/or giant work projects. Get used to the stress. Not everyone can throw away all their worries just to get dressed up and consume all the candy and alcohol they can find (and afford).
Gemini: Everyone knows Halloween is hands down the best time for seasonal candy (screw you, Valentine’s Day), but be very wary of all the delectable goodness. When Neptune interacts with Jupiter, people become idiots, so strangers will poison and/or put razors in that candy before they give it to you… Or you’re just going to eat your weight in candy. That’s probably more likely than two planets focusing all their time and energy on puny Earthlings. Watch your weight, friends.
Cancer: Stay away from forests… Why? You mean it’s my job to know that? Pfft, like I know everything. I just know how to bullshit my way through assignments and horoscopes… I mean. What?
Leo: Here’s the thing, Leo. I know you think Left Shark would make a good costume, but so do everyone else and their brother. Just because some guy got on national television and looked like an idiot in a shark costume does not mean you need to wear the same costume. Hell, Right Shark would be a better costume. Be more creative than that.
Virgo: Okay, Virgo, I can’t promise you’re going to get laid like I did in my last column, but let’s just say that Halloween is the perfect time for you to dress as slutty as you’d like. Depending on your Halloween costume, that guy/girl/non-gender-conforming-person you’ve had your eye on might finally start to pay attention to you… Might I suggest ditching the Pikachu onesie this year?
Libra: Libra! Apparently you are the only one who is destined to have a definitively good Halloween. How? Wellllll, that much I don’t know. I’ve heard Uranus is being particularly fickle as of late, which supposedly means undefined good things. Besides, figuring out how to make said good things happen is your problem, not mine. I’m just the one who tells you it’s gonna happen.
Scorpio: This column used to be ad space, since Will Forte was the last Scorpio on Earth, and I didn’t want to write horoscopes for just him. But babies were born and now we have new Scorpios! Since you people have grown into people who can read, I have the best horoscope in the world for you… Huh? The Scorpios are still babies? Okay, let me put this into terms they can understand: goo goo, ga ga. Goo ga goo ga. Gaaaaaaa goo ga ga… That’s how you speak baby, right? Wait, I called someone’s mom a bitch? …Moving on!
Sagittarius: Look! New ad space since all the Sagittariuses died in Mars hole last time… Oh, you mean all the Sagittariuses didn’t die in a hole? Shit, now I have to think of something for you guys… Um, watch out for black cats. They’re bad luck or something… Although they are cuddly, so yeah, definitely watch out for them. Maybe you’ll find a new find a new furry friend. Or get rabies.
Capricorn: Look, I know you have the world’s best costume, but it can’t be the world’s best costume if you don’t have anywhere to wear it. And no, work/class is not an appropriate place. Go find some friends and get your ass to a party. Chances are you’ll see some drunken Aquarius jump off a roof or something. But what do I know? I’m just the one who doesn’t believe in astrology but still got 11/12 predictions right last time (Again, sorrynotsorry, Sagittariuses.)
-Stacy Haerr, Staff Member