Would you consider yourself slightly evil? Even sort of, moderately, or very evil? Worried that it will negatively impact or ruin your chances of obtaining a career? Well, have no fear! As it turns out, desiring bad things to happen to other people can actually land you great careers in life.  Here is a simple guide as to how you, as a slightly-to-potentially-very evil person, can succeed without judgement, or even as to how your evilness can make you more successful (at being evil or establishing a reasonable lifestyle? I don’t know either).

  1. Lunch server at high schools: Now obviously the vast majority of the people going into this career field are very kind people who want the best for the lil chilluns. But like look, if you become a lunch server, you have the potential to make an absolute fucking KILLING with all the evil that you could commit at this job and get away with it! Serve those disrespectful little asswipes pizza and call it a vegetable, or just skip the middle-man and serve them vegetables; they’ll still have to go to you because they’re too lazy to make lunches that are any better!

  2. Employee at a haunted house, especially that really scary usually overweight guy with the fake chainsaw: this one’s pretty self explanatory, who doesn’t like making annoying high schoolers scream?

  3. Corporate lawyer: Just be a corporate lawyer.

  4. The people who makes the advertisements for Tampax: spend your entire life making commercials that make people feel uncomfortable because our society is still kinda scared of basic bodily functions!

  5. Republican: What better way to be evil, yet acceptable, by our society’s standards? Work  every day to prevent positive change in the society like other Republicans out there right now! As a republican, you can do things like potentially jeopardize earth’s future by legally prevent the discussion of climate change, and say really uncool things like suggest that poor people should be sold into slavery for stealing. And, you can get away with pretty much all of it because super rich people absolutely love you and will throw hundreds of millions of dollars at you to help you make the world a little worse every day! NOTE: this may only work if you are a rich white male.

  6. Intern for the Koch brothers: I’m pretty sure being slightly evil is an unspoken requirement of this job. Anyway, instead of being a republican for a living, why not just *be* the rich assholes who throw the money out to said Republicans in order to enable their silly and usually somewhat racist behavior? You can make it even more fun/evil (same thing) by threatening to give your money to the EPA or Planned Parenthood if they don’t do whatever your cold, evil little heart desires.

  7. Dumb-ass comedy writer: Spend your time being annoying to the whole entire world with the silly things you think are funny (but probably aren’t actually funny) via your comedy articles that you post incessantly on social media, in addition to your disastrous presence in real life. Also because you know everything, spend like half your comedy articles bashing entire political parties! ALTERNATE METHOD: As a dumb-ass comedy writer, there are many, many ways to bring evil into the world.  While you could spend your time making fun of people, why not spend your time arguing why you just HAVE to be able to make rape jokes and homophobic jokes in order to be funny? Because you really just can’t be funny without those things, amirite?

  8. Pirate: If all conventional means of succeeding as an evil person fails, you’ve probably made enough money by becoming a Republican or Koch brother to just buy your own pirate ship and just sail around taking people’s stuff whenever you feel like it!  Being evil really does pay after all.

Have fun, and good luck in your quest to bring at least a little more evil into the world!


–Stav, Senior Staff Member and human who definitely is not kind of evil at all