Columbus, Ohio – November 6th, 2015
It seems that OSU has found itself awash in praise after their announcement that teaching unit Lisa Irving will be ready for sale at the end of 2015. Many publications (including The Washington Post and The New York Times) have taken a moment to applaud OSU for this achievement, although certain critics have pointed out that the technology is still technically in development. Despite these reports, OSU is well on its way to producing the first teaching unit that can effectively support itself in poverty conditions while teaching future labor units their functions.
One of the large promises of this new teaching unit is that it can function in the harsh conditions common within public schooling ecosystems. “The key behind the ‘Lisa Irving’ teaching module is that we are installing it with information from both Social Work and Education modules,” said chief project engineer Austin Lonardos, “meaning that it can effectively do a shit-ton of work despite the terrible conditions that Teacher units commonly encounter.”
By combining these modules, the ‘Lisa Irving’ unit is not only able to teach effectively within impoverished communities, but is also able to ignore legislation that has caused issues for previous teaching units (such as meager wages and impossible expectations). The model not only promises to avoid teaching future labor units about evolution, but also the joys of reading, the importance of helping others, and the necessity of intellectual inquiry. Of course, ‘Lisa Irving’ will teach students that the loudest person is always the smartest person, that the privatization of resources (such as water and infrastructure) is good for the public, and that chattel slavery wasn’t that bad.
Primarily developed to be used by Politicians, this unit has been costly to create. After all, the social worker units and the teacher units both have product histories that are almost synonymous with the issues of ‘compassion’ and ‘idealism,’ but OSU promises that their ‘Lisa Irving’ model is the beginning of reconciling with these issues. Not only this, but speculation suggests that the ‘Lisa Irving’ model is opposed to organizing with other teaching units, meaning that upkeep will be constant with no need for resource allotments such as ‘raising pay’ or ‘health benefits.’
“We can’t promise that the ‘Lisa Irving’ model will be perfect, as we have found that it still shows some levels of sympathy with the labor units it is meant to instruct. However, ‘Lisa Irving’ doesn’t seem to have enough awareness as to its labor conditions, so we hope that it will overcome previous issues that stifle and wear down other teaching units. ‘Lisa Irving’ requires little pay for upkeep and can function with education resources dating all the way back to 1978!” said Dr. Michael Drake as he unveiled the product to Investors and Politicians as they made love with each other.
The ‘Lisa Irving’ teaching unit will be available for purchase on December 20th, but supply is limited. School Board Administrators are recommended that they if they are not able to purchase a ‘Lisa Irving’ unit, that they will have to wait until May 2016 for the ‘Paul Richter’ model which promises to remove the ‘Human Rights Minor’ module from its production.
-Kelli Knipe, Senior Staff Member