Your Pocket Points can wait 2 minutes while you read this. Once you start reading do not stop. Don’t. C’mon, keep going. Let me explain. I received a chain email from my best friend in fifth grade on Tuesday and I accidentally deleted it without passing it on. Everything seems OK… for now. But now I’m recalling the message from memory, and I’m passing it on to you. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Rumor has it that wolverines are extinct. They’re a made up mascot for TSUN. But honestly there’s one on Ohio State’s campus, and it’s been buried under the Oval since 1915.
The Columbus Zoo supposedly acquired their first and only wolverine in 1915. Thanks, Jack Hanna. When Ohio State students found out, they stole the wolverine from his enclosure so they could drown him in Mirror Lake. But this wolverine was different. He was a little smart, like if a Michigan student transferred to Ohio State, but still dumb enough that when someone shouted “O-H!” he would reply, “oh?” He wasn’t completely dumb, and the captors couldn’t hold onto him. He escaped their grasp on campus.
Dogs on the Oval make you stop dead in your tracks because they are so cute. Wolverines make you stop dead in your tracks because they will kill you. This wolverine tried to fit in, running around the Oval like a fiend. He dressed in scarlet and gray but he was awkwardly going around on four legs. This wolverine wouldn’t have fooled me.
The wolverine was running with the rest of the students to Mirror Lake, where the students had intended to throw the wolverine into the cold water. It seemed like a cruel thing to do in November. But that’s what the students were going to do, jump in the cold water and curse Michigan all night.
The wolverine, disguised in his scarlet and gray, was double-dog-dared to jump, but he didn’t. He couldn’t mutter a single curse against that team up north! Other students prodded him on from inside the cold water, “c’mon, man! Show some spirit!” But he refused until he slipped into the water. His disguise slowly drifted away from him.
“WOLVERINE!” shouted the students from the water as he doggy-paddled around them. They shouted, “fuck Michigan! Fuck Michigan!” A reveler on shore neutralized the snarling wolverine with a beer bottle from shore, but it didn’t ease the hysteria. People kept shouting, “FUCK MICHIGAN!” The wolverine was promptly dragged out of the water, dragged across shore and buried in a shallow grave in the nearest green space on the Oval.
Yes, this urban legend is true. I’ve never read a false email. And on Nov. 20, wolverines dressed in scarlet and gray will return to Ohio State to unearth their fallen wolverine and curse Ohio State’s playoff chances…
Unless you forward this email 😉 😉 😉
Forward this message and you will be rewarded with one free wish from the gods that live in our secular temple, Ohio Stadium.
Go ahead, make a wish!
O
OO
OOO
OOOO
OOOOO
OOOOOO
OOOOOOO
OOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOO
Whoops, I messed up. Make another wish.
O
OO
OOO
OOOO
OOOOO
OOOOOO
OOOOOOO
OOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOO
OOOOOOO
OOOOOO
OOOOO
OOOO
OOO
OO
O
Uhm, wish something else!
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
If that’s what you really want…
If you make a wish and forward this email to three people, it will not be OK. You will receive someone else’s wish at random.
If you send it to five people it will still not satisfy the gods of the ‘Shoe, and it will come true whenever they get around to it. Their schedule is busy near finals and scheduling times, so you may be out of luck until January.
If you send this email to 25 people, your wish will come true immediately and, out of an abundance of joy, you will instantly die.
But honestly, don’t expect any wish to come true if you don’t already like The Sundial Humor Magazine on Facebook. I know you’ve probably never read the fine print on a chain email, but know that it is imperative that you like The Sundial on Facebook as soon as you can after reading this email. I’ll let you go now so you can get on Facebook. Go ahead, get ready to open Facebook. Get ready. I’ll talk to you later. OK. Go. Like.
-Travis Filicky, Senior Staff Member
This was originally featured in an email newsletter for The Sundial. Email TheSundialMagazine@gmail.com to join our newsletter list.