With every holiday season, there comes a wide array of family gatherings and occasions on which we may be tempted to interact with our relatives, both near and distant, in ways which might be unacceptable. These interactions are not necessarily reserved to the holiday season, but it is during this time of year that they most often occur. In order to make this holiday season much more interesting, we have compiled a handy and comprehensive guide to assist you in recognizing and then instigating the dangerous situations in which these inappropriate familial interactions appear. To ensure that you are aware of all possible opportunities for disaster, please read the guide from start to finish first, and then refer back to the particular sections as the particular situations occur during the course of your celebrations. This way, you can beat all your other troublesome relatives to the punch.

I. Interacting with Relatives Whom You Have Not Seen In a While

Catching up with relatives who live out of town, or who haven’t been to the family Christmas party since The Incident, is awkward in and of itself, and this potential is a golden opportunity to be mined until those hills are bare. You might not know much about their recent goings-on, but if you do, you might consider pretending you don’t. This can lead to an explosive revelation of scandal of epic proportions. Here are some sure-fire ways to botch this awkward pause-loaded conversation.

  • Ask about their pets who you know have died

  • Ask about significant other who is clearly not at the party

  • Comment about how old they look (effectiveness of this comment increases with person’s actual age, see Section III)

  • Make up a memory you didn’t actually have about them and then ask them about it

  • Pretend you want to hook up with them

  • Use the statement “It’s been a while” as many times as possible

  • Launch into a rant about The Walking Dead/Game of Thrones and when they try to leave the conversation, follow them around and refuse to stop

  • Ask if they’ve gotten plastic surgery

  • Pretend you don’t know them at all

II. Interacting with Younger Relatives

Whether you’ve outgrown the kids’ table or not, you’re sure to come into contact with younger relatives at some point during the festivities. There are a number of avenues you can take to torment your relatives who are younger than you, whether they’re cousins, nieces, nephews, or just someone else’s kids. You can scare them, annoy them, or just flat out embarrass them. Here’s some ideas to get you started: (Leave the infants alone, though. Babies are gross.)

  • Regardless of age, ask whether or not they have a significant other

  • Perform obviously lame magic trick individually to every child at the party

  • Growl and start sentences with “When I was your age…”

  • Tell inappropriate stories

  • Loudly announce when any child steps under the mistletoe

  • Ask the youngest ones when they found out that the Tooth Fairy isn’t real

  • Single out one child to treat as “the adopted one”

  • Confuse them by acting drunker than you are

  • Reference 90’s cartoons but refuse to explain what you’re talking about

  • Tell them to go find Uncle Benjy even though you don’t have an Uncle Benjy

  • Convince them you have an Uncle Benjy

  • Pretend to have no idea what the toy they’re holding is/does

  • Pass out cigars

  • Hide their phones

III. Interacting with Older Relatives

Older relatives remember a time that you cannot: a quieter time when the family was smaller and less varied in political ideology. They also remember you as a child, when you were innocent and they were the ones bothering everyone else at Christmas. But not this year.

  • Ask them about “the war” but never specify which war

  • Boggle their minds with technology

  • Incessantly ask them what they’re getting you for Christmas

  • Reference events that happened before the relative was born as if the relative had been there

  • Demand that they tell you what happened to Uncle Benjy

  • Ask them if you can borrow money

  • Talk slowly to them on purpose

  • Ask them if they need help with things they clearly don’t need help with

  • Spoil the end of the book they’re reading

  • Reference pop bands that don’t exist

  • Ask them about their taxes in detail

  • Explaining, in depth, why “Happy Holidays” is the politically correct salutation

  • Leave retirement home pamphlets on their counter

IV. Interacting with the Host of the Party

One of your gracious relatives has welcomed the entire family into their home for the day. They’ve spent hours cooking and cleaning and preparing for your visit. Make them regret it. The more passive-aggressive you can be, the better.

  • Leave a trail of breadcrumbs behind you when you leave to go to the bathroom

  • Pretend you think you’re in a different relative’s house and compliment that relative on everything

  • Bump into things and then say “there’s a lot more room at ____’s house”

  • Always feed pets from the table (especially if they’re pets that aren’t easily fed from the table, like birds and fish)

  • Ask for a “behind-the-scenes” tour of the house directly after the tour of the house

  • Look through every drawer you can find

  • Take something embarrassing out of their medicine cabinet and ask them what it is in front of everyone

  • Find a piano and play loudly

  • Find a tuba and play loudly

  • Play football in the living room

  • Ask if the china was what your great-grandparents left them in the will

  • Say things like “the dessert was pretty ok”

  • Ask where the bathroom is constantly, even if you don’t have to go

  • Before you take a bite of anything, ask if it has _______ in it, and claim you’re allergic

  • Ask them if they were wearing that same outfit the last time you saw them

  • Put a full, untouched plate of food directly into the dishwasher

V. Controversial Conversation Topics

There are many conversation topics are sure to cause a stir at any family gathering. These topics include but are not limited to:

  • Politics

  • Social issues of any kind

  • The fact that cousin Maddie hasn’t been to church in about six weeks

  • The engagements/marriages/pregnancies of anyone’s high school friends

  • Recent medical procedures

  • Anyone’s divorce

  • Anyone’s weight gain

  • Asking long-term couple when they’re finally going to tie the knot

  • Rap music

  • The latest celebrity scandal

  • Climate change

  • Star Wars Episode 3

  • Anyone’s sexual orientation

  • Recent deaths

  • Why grandma keeps making that nasty casserole every year

  • Miley Cyrus’s music videos

VI. On the Subject of Gifts

Finally, an often under-utilized method of annoyance is the careful consideration of which gift should be given to each family member. Witnessing a relative open a wildly inappropriate gift is sure to spice up any boring Christmas celebration. Here are some suggestions to get you started.

  • For grandma: sexy lingerie

  • For grandpa: Playboy magazine

  • For youngest nephew: box of matches

  • For bachelor uncle: Playboy magazine

  • For conservative aunt: Adam Lambert CD

  • For teenage female cousin: Playboy magazine

  • For stuck-up pre-teen niece: 1980s cassette player

  • For dad: Playboy magazine and earplugs

VII. In Conclusion

If you’ve followed the guidelines described in this manual, you are sure to have successfully ruined at least one person’s Christmas and earned the title of “that relative”. Don’t hesitate to come up with more ideas of your own; though it is comprehensive, this guide is merely a starting point in a career of causing turmoil within your extended family.  If you can’t get all of these strategies right the first time, never fear! New Year’s is just around the corner!

-Ivy Decker, Senior Staff Member, and Matt Warner, Guest Writer