BREAKING – Adding to the number of numerous celebrities to get involved in the upcoming presidential election, Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken weighed in to give his support to socialist Bernie Sanders.
“Now I know most of yeh will be real surprised to find that I’m supportin’ this here Sanders fellah,” said the Colonel to the thousands massed to see Bernie speak, “Yeh thinkin’ because I’m from Indiana that I’m one of them Republicins or conservatins. Well, I will tell you right now that the Colonel supports one man and one man only for the presidency, and that man is Bernie Sanders.”
Following this, the Colonel walked off to tremendous applause and there was a brief fifteen minute gap before the hopeful president-to-be took the stage himself. A slightly out of breath Sanders smiled at those before him and stated that he was “incredibly honored” to receive this new supporter, who would be providing finger lickin’ good meals to those in need in lieu of a campaign donation.
As children in the crowd began to yell that the wanted to see the Colonel again, Sanders paused for a moment before telling them to “hang on. I’ll go try and find him.” Another fifteen minute gap lingered before the Colonel made his way out again, notably without Sanders.
“I’m so pleased that ya’ll are excited for my friend Bernie,” the Colonel told them, straightening his mustache, which was beginning to slip from his face. “Unfortunately I can’t stay too long. I have a, uh, farm…meeting…You will find some free double downs at the back of the auditorium for a limited time only. Take care now.”
The Colonel waved and yet another odd lapse in time passed during which the stage was empty. Bernie Sanders finally ran back onstage, now wearing a peculiar white suit, and braced his hands on his knees, mumbling what one audience member heard to be “I’m getting too old for this” before standing up to give a warm goodbye to his supporters.
As the crowd enjoyed their cholesterol-infused snacks, the future looked bright. Bernie Sanders is sure to have an easier time gaining the presidency with such a popular American figure at his side.
NOTE: At no time during the event was the Colonel actually at Sander’s side. Unfortunately no images of the two of them together were available at press time.
-Jackie Shreves, Senior Staff Member