Here at that Sundial, we want to write a new Christmas piece every single day. Well, I, three time nominee for best singer in his imagination James Wagner, will not have it. It refuse to write about Christmas, Kwanza, or Hanunaka. That’s right, I care so little that I refuse to look up how to spell Hanonica. Is that harmonica? I sure wish it was because I would be more willing to devote an entire month to an instrument that literally makes me feel bad for a performer’s parents when he/she busts it out for a solo. Who is so impressed by a gosh diddly darn harmonica? Some dude playing an acoustic guitar and singing? Meh. Same dude stops playing guitar and, sorry to break the magic, just hums into a weird metal candy bar? People go banana pants crazy town. It’s all a blues themed ruckus.
But, my point is made. I just wrote more about the Guy Fieri of musical instruments than I did about America’s most drawn out, over hyped holiday. So, to be a contrarian, I’m not going to write about the holidays. And no, I’m not going to do that thing that “cool” writers do where they write about themselves writing, or write about not writing about the holidays, thus the joke is that I used a cheap tactic to write about the holidays. What I am going to do is write about the least Christmas thing possible, and no one can stop me because Christmas is in the title and this goes through practically no editing. The subject to the next non-holiday themed paragraph is: Why you should never pet a dog while it is on fire.
Don’t pet a dog while it is on fire. It doesn’t matter how cute it is or if the warmth of the devilish fire is physiologically pulling your hand on the top of this hot dog, don’t do it. It’s bad for your hands. Don’t think you can cheat the system by putting on welder’s gloves. Dogs are known for pulling welding gloves off of human hands. Look it up; there are studies. The best thing to do is to walk away and find a bucket of water. Then, take said bucket of water and put your hands in it. You can never be too safe. Once the dog has sufficiently burnt out, then you can pet whatever ash heap is left and return to whatever you were doing before, which probably involved stray fire and a loose canine.
See, the entire month of December shouldn’t be devoted to Christmas, Kwanza or even Hakuna-Matata (Still not looking it up). If it weren’t for me, the Sundial’s innocent, dog petting readers might have died from stroking flaming dogs. You are welcome.
Sincerely,
James “This Didn’t Start As A Letter” Wagner
-James Wagner, Senior Staff Member