Honey (Will You Stop Getting Baked?) Roast
Step One: Cook a Roast glazed in Honey.
Step Two: Get your partner/spouse to put down the joint and help you in the goddamn kitchen.
Step Three: Unplug their Xbox and cancel their Xbox Live subscription with their gamer tag. It’s probably xXBlazeUp420Xx or HeartThrobMarley
Step Four: Have your partner clean up the dishes and put away the leftovers
Step Five: While they are cleaning up, throw away their stash of weed.
Step Six: Pop a few Oxycontin and play your Playstation. Cod Blops 3 is out, give that a go.
Hanukkah Ham
Step One: Be completely out of touch with an entire religion.
Step Two: Look up why this recipe is a joke.
Step Three: Get educated and prepare your practicing Jewish guests some bagels and lox.
Step Four: Remember that they are people and talk to them to see if you should have reduced them to a food stereotype after your ten seconds on wikipedia.
Step Five: Write a preachy comedy piece about your mistakes.
Festivus French Fries
Step One: Take your secular, heathen, non-believer ass to a local fast food restaurant
Step Two: Use your infidel money to buy as many orders of french fries as you desire
Step Three: Share them at your local science-cult with all of your other hell-bound friends
Step Four: Burn for eternity in the fires of hell with your Jesus hating potato sticks
Kwanzaa Cake
Step One: Think about making your only Black friend a cake to appreciate their token-ness in your otherwise white-ass life.
Step Two: Refuse to learn your lesson about cultural competency.
Step Three: Bake Sandra Lee’s Kwanzaa Cake that went so well for her when she made it on TV.
Step Four: Marinate in your white privilege to taste.
Yule Really Hope This Isn’t my Log
Step One: Bake a yule log
Step Two: Watch Lonely Island’s video for “Dick in a Box”
Step Three: Get creative.
-Vanilla Valley, Senior Staff Member