My True Love,
You know how much I love your amazing gift giving. Every year you wow me on my birthday and Christmas. I never thought you could top my last birthday gift of that boat. I mean, we live in Colorado what the hell was I supposed to do with a boat? Still, I appreciated it very much. I love you.
But I do believe you oversold this years Christmas gifts. I was so excited when you said we were having 12 days of Christmas this year. Of course, I tried to get on your level. I only got you a tie on 10 of the days! But then that’s when you went nuts. On the first day you gave me a partridge in a pear tree. I appreciated the pear tree, I really did. You know how much I love pears so a whole tree just for me was very thoughtful. But why did you have to put a partridge in it? I didn’t even know what that was. I had to google it. Who knew it was a bird? Not me because I didn’t want a damn partridge.
Then on the second day you gave me two turtle doves and ANOTHER PATRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE. WHY? I WANT TO KNOW WHY. I have no idea why you thought I wanted so many birds? Because after that you got me French hens and calling birds. And why did you keep giving me more of what you gave me before? Especially since I never wanted them! I thought the swimming swans were cute but I didn’t need seven EACH DAY. And the laying geese? Please take the damn geese back. They poop EVERYWHERE. And I hate geese. Scratch that, I have never met anyone that does not hate geese. Everyone hates geese. And they’re laying geese? If they are laying eggs that are going to turn in to more geese, I swear to God I’ll…
I’m sorry, Honey. I do appreciate everything you’ve done for me but then you gave me people? PEOPLE? THAT IS ILLEGAL, PETER. Where did you get them? Also just, why? Maids milking? Why would I want that? I’m lactose intolerant! What am I going to do with all that milk? And the ladies dancing? I don’t think you meant to, but you know they were strippers, right? You got me strippers for Christmas. But you even topped that when you gave me LORDS. They are royalty! What did you do to get them here? And why won’t you let them stop leaping? That’s just straight abuse. I also don’t know why you gave me pipers piping and twelve drummers. They will not stop drumming. My neighbors are threatening to call the cops on me! And the pipers look at me weird…
Listen, dear. I appreciate how thoughtful and kind you are to give me all these gifts but I just don’t understand. I live in an apartment; I don’t know what to do with all twelve of my pear trees. Or all the animals. OR THE PEOPLE. I had to make the milking maids take their cows out and stay in the hallway since the geese were attacking them because they are geese and the spawn of Satan himself. The only gift that was close to what I wanted was the five gold rings you gave me on each of the last eight days. Still, I did not need a total of 40 of them. I only have 10 fingers. I only wanted one ring and you know what I wanted. A diamond ring. It’s been seven years. Take all of these LIVING THINGS back and just give me a big diamond engagement ring. I’m sure we can get a nice one off the money from the 40 SOLID GOLD RINGS you gave me.
Thank you for all the gifts, really. But you know what I want.
Love,
Your true love
-Lauren Moliterno, Senior Staff Member