“Hello Kyle Marks.”
“Where am I?”
“You were walking down the street when you saw a hummingbird. You got scared, ran away and got hit by a bus. Welcome to heaven. Turns out the Christian god is real and you’ve been let through the pearly gates.”
“Really?”
“Nah, just fuckin with you. I’m Satan, you’re in hell. Here, let me give you a tour of the 9 circles you’ll be living on.”
Circle One
“This one is a basic one. Whenever you’re here you relive all your regrets over and over again.”
“Well that can’t be too bad. I’ve lived a pretty good life, and I can’t say I regret much. Aside from getting hit by a bus just now.”
“Yeah that’s one of the main features. Also check this out. We’ve got some top notch footage of regrets past right here.”
“That’s just me sleeping. I don’t think I understand?”
“Remember that one time you overslept and missed meeting Craig Krenzel?”
“Oh god, get me out of here.”
Circle Two
“This is where they get a lot more personal. Right here is the Flopo room.”
“Hey, what’s wrong with Flopo?”
“The longer you stay in here, the longer the joke will get run into the ground. Why, over there’s Allan, typing a Facebook comment about the best birthday he ever had.”
“Oh Jesus, not that asshole, next circle.”
Circle Three
“Now Kyle, you remember your friend Jackie, right?”
“Well… I remember Jackie, yeah.”
“Well, good to hear, because in circle three you’re basically just trapped in a locked room with her.”
“Well that doesn’t sound too bad. At least not compared to the last two circles.”
“I wasn’t finished. There’s something from you that she needs.”
“No…”
“That’s right. In circle three, she will do her absolute best to get that hug from you, and she won’t cease until you return her affections.”
“Well we both know that’s not happening. Let’s just get on to circle four.”
“Certainly.”
Circle Four
“Bird circle.”
“FUCK NO GET ME OUT OF HERE.”
Circle Five
“Welcome to the fifth circle.”
“Well this one doesn’t seem too bad. It’s just a pet store. Wait… is that Collin… Is he having fun? Oh no… I think I know where this is.”
“That’s right. Petland.”
“WHY! Alright, I get they’re cute puppies, but they’re bred in such terrible, inhumane ways!”
“This is Hell, you realize that right?”
“I know that, but how can they get any enjoyment out of playing with these products of evil!”
“I love my job sometimes.”
“I can’t stand to be in here anymore. We’re done here.”
Circle Six
“Is… Is this my old dorm room?”
“Barely. It’s pretty threadbare.”
“I had some pretty good memories in here. Why is this here?”
“Just bear with me on this one.”
“Okay, I’ll bite. What’s with the bear puns?”
“Are they unbearable?”
“They’re kind of getting annoying, yeah”
“You can’t just grin and bear them?”
“I am about to kill you with my BARE hands. See, I made a pun. Now quit it.”
“Not until you bear witness to the reason we’re here.”
“You mean this isn’t the bear pun circle of hell? Because that’s bad enough as it is.”
“Nope. I might’ve made one if I knew you’d get this grizzled about it. I came here to introduce you to the guest of honor. I believe you know him as… Cookie Bear.”
“What.”
“You know what I said.”
“He’s here? Oh no. Oh no no no no no no.”
“Kyle?”
“No no no no no please no no please I can’t be here right now.”
“Bear-y well.”
Circle Seven
“Oh man I could not be happier that we’re out of there.”
“You seem to have a history with cookie bear.”
“I don’t want to talk about it. Where are we now, anyway?”
“I’m glad you asked. I’m sure you as a clown have a special connection to this room.”
“Are these balloons?”
“Yes Kyle. And they want revenge.”
“Revenge? For what? What have I ever done to balloons?”
“You kidnapped their brethren. Stole them from their home.”
“From the union? They lived there? I didn’t even know they were conscious, much less had homes and feelings.”
“Should’ve though that through, bud.”
“What’s the worst they could do anyway?”
“They’re helium filled. They could pick you up and carry you into the sky. What kind of animal lives in the sky, Kyle?
“I would like to leave, please.”
Circle Eight
“Wait, is this a white morphsuit? Oh damn. I am not working that crappy Halloween job again. Take me out of here before it’s too late.”
“As you wish. But Kyle, I have to remind you, that once you leave this level, you’re stuck in the ninth level forever.”
“I’ve made my choice Satan. You don’t scare me.”
“As you wish.”
Circle Nine
“This is where I leave you.”
“Wait, aren’t you going to explain what the deal with this circle of hell is?”
“Nah, I’m good. But I hear your new roommate’s studying to be a lawyer, so he probably would love to talk to you all about it.”
“Oh god no.”
-Allan, Senior Staff Member