Following the public outrage that occurred Sunday when the 2015 Miss Universe Pageant host, Steve Harvey, announced the wrong winner, local student of The Ohio State University Jacob Conrad made the prideful, yet inaccurate, claim that he could have handled the situation better than the Family Feud star.
“Yeah, Harvey really screwed the pooch there. If I were hosting Miss Universe and read that card wrong, which I wouldn’t have anyway, but if I did I would have just gone with what I read. Then I’d calmly walk off stage, get in my limo, and never look back,” proclaimed the 21 year old who hasn’t even been able to acquire a driver’s license, let alone get a job as important as reading notecards to a crowd of people from around the world.
“I don’t even see the big deal, Miss Colombia can’t even speak English, so all you have to do is have a translator tell her she won in her own language and stand your ground about what you announced,” added Conrad, who understands women’s feelings as well as he understands male fashion, which is not at all, despite his own opinion.
Conrad continued to list off the ways in which he believes he could have salvaged the situation, not recognizing that each of his solutions would have further aggravated both the contestants and viewers, causing more unnecessary chaos.
On Tuesday, the man who only reaches as far as the girls in his own friend-group for dates was making the reaching claim that, as well as the Miss Universe Pageant, he could drastically improve any event by hosting.
“Give me a tux and have me do Saturday Night Live, the Oscars, Emmys, Tonys, whatever. Remember the controversy after Seth MacFarlane hosted the Academy Awards? Or Ricky Gervais? I guarantee I could tell even more offensive jokes and they’d beg to have me back the next year,” the potentially disastrous master of ceremonies concluded, with a look on his face so smug it could make Draco Malfoy shudder.
At press time, the arrogant, young magazine-contributor was seen walking down High Street with his phone to his ear, begging for a ride from his friend, Allan, who is already sick of hearing Conrad boast about his supreme fashion sense and masterful conflict-resolution skills.
-Jacob Wright, Contributor