* – An image of a man in a lab coat appears.

Oak: Hello there! Welcome to the world of POKEMON! My name is OAK! People call me the POKEMON PROF! I don’t know what college gave me this degree, but I printed it out from the webpage myself!

* – An image of a Snaggletoothed Dinosaur Chinchilla appears.

Oak: This world is inhabited by creatures called POKEMON! For some people, POKEMON are pets. Others use them for fights. Myself… I study POKEMON as a profession. What I’ve found in my years of study is that for some reason, nobody questions why there are no regular animals to be found anywhere anymore, or why children your age are permitted to travel the world unchaperoned while forcing their pets to fight each other for money, power, and glory. But, c’est la vie.

* – An image of a boy (the player’s character) appears.

Oak: First, what is your name?

* – Player types: K-E-V-I-N

Oak: What? No. I’m going to call you RED! I’m old, let me do what I want.

* – An image of another boy appears.

Oak: This is my grandson. He’s been your rival since you were a baby…Erm, what is his name again?

* – Player types: S-O-N-I-C

Oak: That’s right! I remember now! His name is BLUE! Really, everyone should start wearing name tags. Why doesn’t anyone in this town have a normal name, like Brad or Kevin or something?

* -Kevin’s image reappears.

Oak: RED! You are definitely ready for the amount of responsibility and intellect it takes to backpack through whatever country we’re in. Somehow, I can tell you’ll be a POKEMON master. Maybe it’s because you’re the protagonist. Or just because you’re less of a prick than my grandson. Either way, I can tell you’re destined for great things.

—

* – When trying to leave town via the grassy path to the north:

Oak: Hey! Wait! Don’t go out!

* – Oak approaches Kevin.

Oak: It’s unsafe! You, a small, naive boy of only ten years, certainly cannot see above the tall grass where POKEMON hide. The only logical thing is to give you a beast to equal those you may find so that you can protect yourself. What? I’ve never heard of this “lawnmower” of which you speak. And no, POKEMON will only approach you if you step in their particular patch of grass. It’s like Minesweeper, kind of.

* – He takes Kevin to his laboratory. They approach a table upon which three POKE BALLS have been placed, and next to which Blue is present.

Blue: Gramps! I’m fed up with waiting! I have so many online articles to comment “Not All Men” on waiting for me at home!

Oak: BLUE? Let me think… Oh, that’s right, your mom begged me to give you something that would get you out of the house so you would stop mansplaining everything to her. Just wait!

Here, RED! I like you more than my own flesh and blood, but because he shares my DNA, I have to let him take advantage of your choice for his own gain. This will make the game harder for you, but you’ve got spunk, which is really all you need. There are 3 POKEMON here! Haha! They are inside the POKE BALLS, which are much more humane than leashes or cages or whatever. Even though every POKEMON you catch from now on will try to break out of the POKE BALL at first.

When I was young, I was a serious POKEMON trainer for about two weeks. In my old age, I have only 3 left, because I have no idea where I left all the rest of my POKE BALLS. Maybe Diane took them all in the divorce. I forget. But you can have one instead of going out and catching your own! You have no choice but to go on this journey! Choose!

Blue: Hey! Gramps! What about me?

Oak: Literally shut up for like ten seconds, BLUE.

* – The three available Pokemon are Pollen Allergies, Tinder, and Squirt Turtle.

Oak: Yeah, I never got around to training any of my POKEMON past their first evolution because I kept getting lost in the tall grass. And then a POKEMON attacked me, and since then, my memory has never been too great.

* – Kevin takes the Baby Smaug.

Blue: I’ll take this one, then!

* – Blue chooses Bath Toy, as this POKEMON has a type advantage over Kevin’s selection, and Blue is shady as hell.

Oak: Adventure awaits you! Go catch them all! I’m not telling you anything else! I’m giving away my POKEMON because I’m sick of all this nonsense!

 

-Ivy Decker, Senior Staff Member