It’s a new morning in Brooklyn, New York. Staffers for Hillary Clinton’s campaign put on their pantsuits and report to work with the latest poll numbers, and they’re exciting; this morning, Clinton is the frontrunner for the democratic nomination by 25 points across the country. But when they take a closer look, the election is closer than it appears.
Looking down Hillary’s long, nagging road to the White House, they see a boot. It’s in New Hampshire, and if they do a double take they can see it’s on a man’s head. Jumping up and down behind the old man shouting about a “political revolution” is someone Hillary for America has underestimated.
He’s the loudest voice in the New Hampshire democratic primary, and in the latest New Hampshire poll, he’s threatening Clinton’s path to the nomination. He is Vermin Supreme.
“I can do whatever the hell I want,” said Supreme. “I can be the Democratic nominee if I want, or I could execute every American. It’s your vote, but it doesn’t matter.”
This is the political vision threatening to intercept the presidency from Clinton. After years of establishing a policy record as first lady, senator and secretary of state, the Clinton campaign is astounded, even if their Snapchat story doesn’t say so, and Supreme’s supporters are taking every opportunity to speak out.
“Hillary is doing great across the country, but her platform doesn’t appeal to young protesters,” said Amy Wilson, a 20-year-old with an UGG boot on her head.
Instead, Supreme’s policies like mandatory tooth brushing and time travel research are gaining traction with voters. A pony-based economy, in which every American would receive a pony, is another central tenet of his platform.
“The economy sucks and college debt is mounting, but Vermin is giving away free ponies. I think that’s what young people need in the face of an uncertain future,” said Wilson.
Supreme has yet to release policy and funding details on any of his plans but insists, “You should let me run your life. Nine out of ten dentists recommend it.”
Clinton tried to raise concerns about his unspecific platform with her audience in New Hampshire on Thursday.
“A president has to deliver in reality, and I am afraid of how Vermin will enforce a mandatory tooth-brushing policy. Will a mutant breed of flying monkeys disguised as tooth fairies fly around our bathrooms, using magic to police our hygiene?”
The scandals and criticism that has worn Clinton’s standing is a non-issue for the maverick candidate. His age and origin is shrouded in mystery, he evades questions about his personal life, he believes email is witchcraft, he’s never called himself “dead broke,” and he has never had sexual relations with a woman.
“Vermin has some good ideas,” said Mike Cooper, a 21-year-old with an awkward beard. “He has a vision, he’s progressive and he has a genuine laugh.”
It’s remarks like these that are challenging Clinton’s road to the White House, which seemed inevitable when she declared her candidacy in April 2015. Nearly 10 months later, the New Hampshire primary may dispel Clinton as the presumptive nominee. Vermin Supreme is looking more and more competitive in the democratic race, and if he is successful in New Hampshire his antics may keep the race competitive for many months.
In the latest Sundial poll of registered democrats in New Hampshire, Supreme trails Clinton by only 72 points.
-Travis Filicky, Senior Staff Member