Dear Satan,
It’s been about a month since we last spoke, but ever since you left me my life has been in shambles. When we were together I was so sure about who I was and where I was going with my life. Then you left me and now I have nothing. I remember the first time we met at that business conference in Cancun. You were so passionate I couldn’t help but fall in love with you. I remember every touch and every kiss from when we were together. It’s been a month but you’ve already moved on to another couple. They’re polygamists; something I was never into. I know they have LGBTQ, Planned Parenthood, out of wedlock weed that they sell to toddlers. I know they live on a hippie commune. This was something that you always wanted the two of us to do. But I still can’t believe you left me for them. You took five years of love, work, and passion, and just threw it down the drain. That’s why I’m trying as hard as I can to destroy every single institution you care about and I will do it no matter what it takes. I will become the president and abolish weed, Planned Parenthood, and reinstate a traditional institution of marriage. I’m coming for you, and I will take you down.
With what little love I have left to give,
Senator Ted Cruz
My Dearest Teddy,
You know this has always been my dream. I thought you would be happy for me. I even offered to take you with me, but you were selfish and wanted me all to yourself. I’m the devil, I need to be able to give a little bit of myself to everyone. No matter how much you try I will always be with you. You will always be in my heart and once you’re ready I will accept your love with open arms. You’d love it here. There are so many great people here, Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, Margaret Thatcher, Phyllis Schlafly, Mahatma Gandhi, and Mother Theresa. You always loved when we would go to the commune for a dinner party. You loved the charity events we would all host. How could you forget that? How could you forget how much money the two of us raised for those kids with cancer?
Everyone here is happy. We all live together, we raise our children together, and most importantly: we love together. The day before we met, they invited me to live there. I told them I would think about it. Then I met you. I was so happy with you, so in love with you, I couldn’t think of leaving you. Then I went on a trip there, instead of that gay pride parade I was supposed to be at. It was by and large the best week of my life. I want to share that with you. End this crusade, you’ll never be the president, Trump is too ahead in the polls. Even if you do make it, Sanders will eventually crush you. I have been convincing people to donate to Sanders. He has my backing. Come back to me Teddy. I miss you so much it hurts.
With Love and open arms,
Lucifer Morningstar
Satan,
Trump doesn’t stand a chance. He has funded his entire campaign and will eventually go broke. He is 1.8 million dollars in debt. He has sunk too much of his funds in. By the time he finishes this campaign and loses he will take a net loss. I still have room to grow. He will eventually fall out of favor. As for Sanders, the banks will make sure Clinton wins before he does. His beliefs are too radical. He is only a force for change if the youth turn out to vote. He has the backing of the American people, but not the ones who truly matter. He is an old man. His time is almost up. I will be the leader of the free world. You are nothing but another obstacle to overcome.
You reign will be over,
Senator Ted Cruz
Teddy,
I have talked with Sanders. I have made a deal with the Angel of Death. He will not die. We will make sure he lives at all costs. The greatest campaign contribution we can make to him is his life. He will live until at least 2024, if he becomes elected. He is the man we need to enforce our policies. He’s passionate and wonderful. He has a mission to accomplish. His motives are his and he isn’t motivated by some crazy ideological religious doctrine that stands for hatred and profit like you do. He is the man I went to that Cancun conference to meet, not you. When Hitler first contacted me about the commune I knew I had to convince Sanders. It would have been a paradise for him. I went to that conference looking for him until I saw you. You were so charismatic. I couldn’t help but love you. Ever since I left, you have become a weird little man who feels content to cook bacon on a gun and publicly call himself a maniac on a debate stage. You are mess. If you decide to ever love me again I will help you win because of my love and only my love. Until then you will just be a clown.
Sanders for President,
Lucifer Morningstar
-Adam Hribar, Staff Member