“The Bank of England must be prepared to cut rates further”, says chief economist.
“Andy Haldane outs himself as ‘secret dove’, saying the Bank of England must be ready to ‘move off either foot’ to hit inflation target.”
-The Telegraph
Thank you all for coming to this last minute press conference. We know there has been talk of cutting interest rates to stabilize inflation, but we’d like to discuss a recent development in the world of economics that came as a shock to us all. I cannot stress enough that the English government had no idea Bank of England Chief Economist Andy Haldane was, in fact, a dove. We never meant to place the fate of England in the fragile wings of a dove.
Now that Mr. Haldane has revealed his secret, some of his past comments make more sense. He said his last job was with “The Union of English Magicians.” We thought he meant as a financial consultant, or perhaps even as a magician. It is now clear that he was a part of a magician’s act. Accessing of old performance tapes has shown that he was used in a trick where the magician would conjure a fire out of thin air, from which a dove would emerge. We apologize for not having investigated his past work experience with appropriate depth until this point. This was truly a misstep on our part.
There were, of course, warning signs. For instance, Mr. Haldane was always eating from trash cans. We thought he was a freegan. We even tried it for a while. Everyone at the office started eating their lunch from dumpsters and trash cans around London. Looking back, this was humiliating.
Mr. Haldane also referred to his home as his “nest.” We thought this was youthful slang. We economists are not the most hip bunch, and did not want to seem out of touch to our trendy boss. I can’t tell you how many people I have asked to come “chill at my nest” in recent years. I don’t know how we could have been so blind to the reality of the situation.
Mr. Haldane refused to use email, and said he could deliver all messages himself. We thought this was perhaps just a thoughtful gesture. Who wouldn’t like to have a visit from the Chief Economist rather than an impersonal email? We now understand that he was acting as a carrier pigeon. Once again, we cannot stress how foolish we feel.
Mr. Haldane even said he would be watching inflation “like a dove.” Even though this did not make sense to us, we did not think much of it. We thought he had meant to use the phrase “watch like a hawk.” This was not the case.
Mr. Haldane abstained from participating in the Annual Bank of England Softball Game for three straight years, due to a bone condition. He said this condition caused his bones to “decrease in density” toward their centers, leaving them brittle and frail. He never fully explained what this condition was called or how it was treated but we did not ask, thinking it may be impolite to press the matter. However, we invested a great deal of the bank’s funds into Mr. Haldane’s charity, which he claimed raised money for treatment of his condition. It is now evident that he did not suffer from a bone condition, but rather had hollow bones, a characteristic of all birds that was in no way threatening to his health. We apologize for misappropriation of the bank’s funds, and are looking into how to get them back as soon as possible.
Mr. Haldane always talked of flying around Europe to visit his wife. We assumed by plane, but now see our error. He often described that his wife performed at weddings, but he never specified the nature of her performance. Records have shown that she was one of the doves released during the ceremony. She has a Ph.D. in Psychopharmacology from Cambridge and could not be reached for comment.
Mr. Haldane did not often speak of his other personal relationships, but it was known that he maintained a close friendship with fellow economist John Hawksworth. When asked how he reacted to the news of Mr. Haldane’s secret, Hawksworth said, “What? They found out he was a bird? How? How exactly did they figure it out? He told them? Do you think other companies will start wondering whether their economists are birds as well? I have to make some calls.”
We admit, this is not the first time this has happened. You may remember last year when British Parliament Member Clive Efford was outed as a red panda, or when United Nations Ambassador Sir Mark Lyall Grant was outed as a salamander. England will be enacting new rules for background checks (including species verification) on government officials in coming months.
We assume full responsibility for putting the English people in danger by allowing a bird to run our economy. His voice was soothing and his policies revolutionary, but this does not make up for the fact that he made rash decisions, misled the public, and defecated in our offices. He is being demoted to Director of Economics at Oxford, effective immediately. We will now take questions.
-Janie Beaufore, Contributor