Good Morning United States. My name is John Carlton and I stand before you today asking for your support. I believe I am best qualified to be the next president of the United States. The past two terms I’ve spent as senator saw me pushing through legislation that helped strengthen our economy. I was personally responsible for the introduction of a landmark school bill that saw test scores rise nationwide. Most important of all, I’ve absolutely never derived sexual pleasure from watching the 2005 masterpiece “March of the Penguins”.
After the last few presidents, I believe America needs a real leader. Bill Clinton’s adultery scandal proved he was a man of questionable morals. George W. Bush led us into an extremely costly and unnecessary war. Barack Obama couldn’t keep the Congress Republicans in check. Not like Morgan Freeman could. Not like his beautiful, comforting, raspy yet smooth, voice. Every time someone hears it, it’s quite difficult not to get a little hot and bothered. Luckily I, our next president, definitely have a strong enough willpower to resist his charms.
My platform involves improving the economy that’s in shambles. The middle class and small business owners need to live comfortably, and we have to crush this imbalance before it becomes a bigger problem. We also need to improve our educational system, and help teach our future generations. They don’t need to struggle, like emperor penguins making their long and arduous journey to… breed.
I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought. I was just thinking, and obviously not pre-cumming my pants right then. Where was I? Oh right. During my first term as president I also vow to be hard on those who want to harm America. A country as majestic and free as ours has many a natural predator, like terrorists, or leopard seals. I mean it’s just not right. Why on earth would you eat poor defenseless baby penguins? They have so much more to offer this world. To offer me. Oh GOD. Nobody ever talks about the genocide happening right now on the South Pole. It’s appalling! I’d nuke those seal fuckers right now if it weren’t for the fact that I’m not president yet. I mean why the hell do you think I’m running?
I digress. I believe I’ve made my case clear. I hope to see your vote in the primary coming up, and after that, this coming November. Good night, and God bless Antarctica.
-Allan, Senior Staff Member