The Student Health Center recently did research into the consumption of coffee and students’ overall productivity. The resulting graph was quite interesting. There exists an optimal coffee consumption and drinking coffee beyond that is likely to cause a crash.
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Figure 1. Productivity Related to the Consumption of Coffee
Without coffee, most students couldn’t get out of bed. Their productivity was absolute zero, a point historically only achieved by Garfield the Cat and Homer Simpson. As the caffeine intake increased, students became grumpier and grumpier until they consumed enough java to be happy and reach optimal levels of productivity. Initially, any amount after this was found to cause students to experience a phenomenon known as “The Shakes.”
The human body actually changes its resonant frequency causing it to vibrate. At the atomic level, the caffeine provided atoms enough energy to change their spins, causing a non-uniform energy distribution. Basically, people start to shake differently than they normally do. These high frequency vibrations have been known to compromise the structural integrity of the body and cause cracks and fractures. Ten percent of all patients in this study exhibited some form of micro fractures on their bones and one student had a compound distal radius fracture.
Students who could manage to withstand the shakes eventually managed to reach Nirvana. Their stories were so homogenous that they must be featured in this article. They reported hallucinations, feelings of extreme internal peace, and what students could only describe as the one true religion. The students explained the religion as a mix between Mormonism and Space Balls, except Bob Ross is the supreme deity that rules over all creation. Each student quoted Ross’ ultimate meaning to life after they came out of their trance like state: “The key to happiness is to love one another, be kind and respectful towards others, and to not only be tolerant but to accept and understand another person’s beliefs.” The students went on to quote the deity saying that: “I just want everyone to be happy. My secretary and I scheduled my next manifestation in mortal form for 20XX. Until then, it doesn’t really matter what you believe, be a Scientologist for all I care. Just be loving towards and kind towards your neighbor.” All of the students who reported this could not remember they date. They were overwhelmed with joy that they would get to see Bob Ross paint on PBS again, that they stopped paying attention for a brief period of time.
After the reportedly awe inspiring tales of events, students reported feelings of hopelessness, loss, and depression. Many of them demonstrated signs of addiction and withdrawal similar to that of heroin addiction. They requested to be given that level of caffeine dose again, many of their bones already weak from the violent tremors brought on by “The Shakes.” Once the previous amount off caffeine had been delivered nothing happened. The students requested more, and they immediately started to report hallucinations. Their vital signs began to drop and they experienced a violent crash. Most of the students went into a coma.
Weeks later the students began to wake up. They reported visions of hell, a writhing mass of people all trying desperately to escape, but only to be pushed down to the bottom by another nameless soul. When and if the damned managed to make it out of the writhing mess, they were strapped to a chair and sat in front of the T.V. Presiding over them was the single most damned soul, some even say the most evil person to ever exist: Adam Sandler. Over and over again they were forced to watch screenings of the movies Pixels, Jack and Jill, and Grown Ups 2. The students came out of the coma and said they had been in hell for 100 years. One student even transcribed the entire script to Bedtime Stories, along with the DVD extra features.
This study will have very profound impacts in the world of theology, politics, and military intelligence. You can expect to see the world’s religious leaders convene to discuss the implications of this study. Is it real, is it a miracle? The Pope and Oprah are in agreement that this data may actually be true, but the Grand Imam and the thetan of Elrond Hubbard are not willing to accept this new data. In terms of political intelligence data, the U.S. military now uses Adam Sandler movies as a form of torture. As usual, the G.O.P has decided that this is “just a theory” much like, evolution, climate change, and gravity.
-Adam Hribar, Staff Member