Following the recent extra-terrestrial visitation that occurred on Monday, the 29th of February in Middleton, Ohio, humans from around the world have been trying to make contact with our extra-solar comrades. At last the question “are we alone in the universe” has been answered by a landing party of three-foot tall, football-headed, antenna-having, puke-green colored obnoxious pricks.
The alien lifeforms were first spotted by Farmer Sam Furrow, at 5:32 a.m., while Furrow was disciplining his rooster for not waking him up 17 minutes earlier. The local livestock-raising lunatic paused mid-insult when an earth-shattering thud sounded throughout the entire city of Middleton, allowing the thousands of weirdos who live there to share the experience of first contact.
“I could scarcely believe my eyeballs when I noticed that big purple sum’bitch flying machine land on my favorite barn. At first I thought my cousin mighta been inside when it got crushed, but after a minute I remembered she was safe and sound, lying in my bed. And what’s with those costumes they got on? Those dumbasses look like walking jiffy-pop bags,” commented the disgruntled farmer, before going out to his six still-standing barns to ensure that his other cousins were also okay.
As soon as they waddled out of their preppy, show-offy, metallic purple spacecraft, Tim Brown, 25, who lacks the capacity to distinguish fiction, “could tell that them little oddballs think they’re so much better than us, flying down here from Betelgeuse in that flashy 20,000 pound space plane. I’ll never forgive ‘em for blowing up the White House and the Empire State Building.”
People throughout the area have attempted to befriend our crop-circle making visitors, including local media. After 15 minutes of heated telepathic debate, which made the green jerks look like giant constipated frogs, the extra-terrestrial crew decided to appoint Kwillo as their public spokes-alien. Kwillo answered every journalist’s question with the same air of self-importance, giving the human race a (probably over exaggerated) view of who the Zodarian race are, and why they came 642 lightyears to shove their achievements in our faces. So far all attempts at relating with the green bastards have fallen through thanks to their out-of-this-world superiority complex.
The Zodarian crew, who seemingly perfected extra-solar space travel just to gloat, were “thoroughly unimpressed” with the human race after getting the chance to speak to dozens of Ohioans and watching a few of the 2016 presidential nominee debates.
U.S. President Barack Obama, accompanied by British Prime Minister David Cameron, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and critically acclaimed film director James Cameron greeted our alien visitors as the leaders of the world (and the king of deep, underwater trench-exploration). This move was made in response to the aliens’ request to be taken to Earth’s leader, after a confused Middletonian, Leonard Rifkin, escorted the smug cow-abducting jerks to the house of Kanye West, who is about as far from being anybody’s leader as a college-aged student is from getting out to the voting booth in November.
“After only five of your Earth hours, we have already assimilated to your verbal communicative language. It really is quite a primitive form of communication,” began the aliens’ commander, D’harflang, already making a bad impression with the three people at the conference, while impressing Putin a good deal.
“We have been observing your Earth for several centuries. It really is amazing that in the 5 million years your species has existed you never managed to fix the whole weather-change problem… On Zodaria, we enjoy a Betelgeusey [read: sunny] 68 degree atmosphere all throughout the year,” the UFO piloting snob boasted, thusly losing Putin’s respect by inferring that a temperature above -5 is ideal.
At press time, sources confirmed that the obnoxious, Earth-crashing aliens had “phoned home,” hopped in their eyesore of a spaceship, still parked on top of Farmer Sam’s cousin-storing barn, and turned thrusters on full-blast in order to get back to their perfect fucking planet that’s just sooooo much cooler than the Earth as soon as possible.
-Jacob Wright, Contributor