COLUMBUS-Today, a glowing yellow orb in the sky, colloquially known as “The Sun”, revealed itself to the masses earlier today. Performing its highly rumored task of heating the Earth, its presence confused many local students at The Ohio State University in Columbus, OH.
“Yeah I don’t really know what it is or what it’s doing, but, like, I don’t really like it? It’s really bright and it kind of hurts and I’d just like it to go away,” said Kimmy Knight, 18. “I mean sure. It’s better than being cold. But I’m not really interested in burning to death either. Can’t Ohio just like… chill? You know. Metaphorically?”
“I agree with Kimmy. I’m from Seattle and I thought the sun was just one of those stories your parents told you when you go to bed to make sure you always wore sunscreen when going out to play in the cloud forest,” said Knight’s friend Justin Mitchell, 19. “I am not pleased to know it’s real. It’s like finding out there really has been a monster under your bed except it’s a burning ball of gas and our planet flies around it at like a bazillion miles an hour.”
Readers are highly warned that prolonged exposure may result in dermal burning and possibly cancer. However, experts agree that these can be prevented by taking precautions such as applying skin-protecting chemicals known as “sunscreen” and wearing tinted spectacles known as “sunglasses”.
Not much is yet known about how long this so-called “Sun” will appear over the area. For further information, please consult local weather services.
Coming next week: Seven Things to Do in the Sun now that It’s Apparently Spring!
-A Very Tall Woman, Staff Member