About This Listing
This subterranean paradise is located just minutes from staples of Columbus culture such as CVS and Waterbeds n’ Stuff. Bedrooms have striking views of urban landscape (including dumpsters and car bumpers). Residents have transformed the space into a showcase of minimalistic living with a youthful vibe that says, “We don’t know where our vacuum is.” Kick back on a couch previously owned by a high school bowling coach and let the deafening sound of the dryer lull you to sleep. Cook pasta on a slanted stovetop and wonder what in the fridge is making the room smell weird. Do a puzzle that takes one week and stays on the table for 2 months. Fall asleep in the living room for a couple hours in the middle of the day and wake up to see one of the residents also asleep on the couch across from you. Buy a plant and watch it die. Help us find our mail key. There are countless ways to enjoy your stay in this cozy Midwestern hideaway.
The Space
Accommodates: 4-12. Depends on how many people we can fit in here without our neighbors filing another complaint. That means you, Stephanie; don’t think I can’t hear you making those phone calls through the wall.
Bathrooms: 1
Bed type: Mattress on floor. Or bathtub, I guess.
Bedrooms: 4
Property type: Apartment
Amenities
Kitchen
Occasional Internet
TV
Semi-functioning toilet
A GameCube (we only have one game and it’s Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4)
On-and-off heat and A/C
A couple knives
Coin-operated front door
Free life advice from man who hangs out near our dumpster
Prices
Extra people: No Charge.
Extra ferrets: $200 each. Seriously, we really can’t fit anymore goddamn ferrets in here. They were a horrible investment in the first place.
Cleaning Fee: $8,000. $50,000 if there are bloodstains.
Security Deposit: $12,000
Cancellations: No. If you say you’re coming you better show.
House Rules
Please wear gloves throughout the day to keep from getting fingerprints on our furniture. We aren’t super picky about cleanliness or anything, it’s just that the FBI is still technically sweeping the place for prints after the incident, so you probably don’t want your fingerprints left in certain rooms.
If you want to play a musical instrument during your stay, you have to join our band. We are called “Modest Blouse” and we do Modest Mouse covers with a couple of Ann Taylor Loft employees.
If you have any food allergies, please keep them to yourself.
Please turn off all the lights before you leave the apartment. If you keep them on it angers the ghost.
If you are planning to host any sort of human sacrifice in the apartment, please give us a 24-hour notice. Last time we didn’t know about it and there wasn’t enough time to properly clean up after it, so by the time the neighbors alerted the authorities and the FBI got there, our prints were all over the crime scene even though we had nothing to do with it.
If you know a good criminal defense lawyer, you have to give us their number.
Safety Features
Smoke Detector
Carbon Monoxide Detector
Loose Band-Aids
You can hear a lot of sirens throughout the day so you know the cops are usually close by
The FBI is here all the time
Photos
2 Reviews
“When I knocked on the door, everyone screamed ‘IT’S OPEN’ even though it was locked. When they finally let me in, I was reassured that the apartment looked exactly like the photos from the website. In fact, all of the same papers were on the ground and nothing had moved at all. It’s a great place if you like hearing people have competitions to see who can hold a falsetto note the longest or enjoy watching a group of twenty-year-olds try to train a ferret to play the harmonica in their band.”
-Floyd Barnaby
“The heat broke on the third day I was there. Everyone complained about it but no one called maintenance. When I offered to do it, they said, ‘Shut up, Family Feud is on.’ In the nine days I spent there, the residents yelled at me 18 times for angering the ghost that they think haunts the apartment. When I once forgot to turn off the oven, one of them took my phone and ordered me an Uber to take me to the nearest prison as a passive-aggressive hint that I was not wanted. However, their floor was surprisingly comfortable.”
-Chester Trundel
Booking
If you are interested in booking the apartment, please send an email to modestblouse@hotmail.com with the subject line “Let me live with you.” Include some info about yourself, how long you will be in Columbus, a photo of yourself next to a full-grown giraffe (for scale), a letter of recommendation from any US ambassador of your choosing, and a referral to a private investigator who you think might be able to track down someone who once hosted a human sacrifice in an apartment they booked on Airbnb and then fled. We look forward to living with you!
-Janie Beaufore, Staff Member