Dear estranged family members, all 1,348 of my closest Facebook friends, and anyone else lucky to have known me,

Many of you may not yet know, since only one person showed up to my funeral (myself), but I am sorry to inform you all that I died last Tuesday. I was raiding a nursing home of their silverware as I do every Tuesday when an elderly veteran had caught me. He immediately raced at me with a fieriness in his cataract eyes. I jolted out the door and to my surprise he was wheeling after me. Unfortunately, I was running downhill. His wheelchair gained such momentum that he was flying down at probably a good 10 mph. From the impact of the wheelchair running over me and my body being punctured by eating utensils, I met my fate.

I’m mostly writing this letter to share that I sadly did not get accepted into Heaven. This may come to a shock to you all as it did for me. With my background, I was told by God in person that I was simply not “Heaven material.” Apparently, slashing ambulance tires every week is “bad” and kidnapping seeing-eye dogs is “wrong.” I was devastated. After God had told me this, he handed me a brochure for Hell.

I didn’t know what to expect. Would Satan like me? What kind of food do they have? Am I allowed to touch the thermostat?  All these questions circulated my head until I finally reached the notorious gates of Hell.

Back in my alive and well days, many people would shout at me, “There’s a special place in Hell for you!” Boy, were they right! I have my very own apartment suite here. It’s got a beautiful open floor concept, updated kitchen with granite countertops, and a spacious patio that will be great for entertaining. However, the apartment does NOT include a thermostat. Don’t even bother asking if you can have one installed. Then it just turns into this whole mess of how “the whole point of Hell is that it’s blistering hot”, and how the landlord doesn’t “like taking things up with the Dark Lord”, and blah, blah, blah. Save yourself some time and don’t bother.

As for food, I can virtually eat everything I ate during my time on Earth. There are a few minor differences. For instance, baked Alaska down here is simply referred to as Alaska. Other than that, I can eat at the same old chain restaurants I like, and sometimes I’ll even dine at Hell’s Kitchen where Satan is the head chef.

Speaking of which, Satan is not too bad of a guy. His only rule is that there are no rules. But that’s probably on account that everyone residing in Hell were never really rule followers to begin with. Aside from that, I don’t really interact with him all too much. He’s a busy man. He’s got to oversee who is haunting where, what demon is possessing who, and all that good stuff. So, I completely understand. Let the guy do his work.

I’m sure at this point, you’re wondering, “It can’t all be THAT good.” In which case, you would be correct. What I did not learn until yesterday was that everyone’s first week of Hell is dedicated solely to settling in. Come time tomorrow there are set conditions I have to follow as part of my eternal damnation. Here are just some examples of the following changes that will be in full effect for all eternity:

  • Once a week, I must ride “It’s a Small World” on a continuous loop for 12 hours
  • Everything I think will be followed by a laugh track
  • I cannot watch the last 5 minutes of any TV show
  • I will no longer have the ability to feel happiness.

With the snazzy apartment and good food, I think I can manage these minuscule changes. I mean, I always thought happiness was overrated to begin with.

Overall, I’m warming up to the idea of spending eternity here and also warming up due to the stifling temperature. Please write back if you can. You know, many of the conditions I can get out of if I haunt people on Earth. So, if you cannot write back, then I can arrange to visit you as some sort of spiritual presence. But do not fret, as of now I am only at ghost status, so I cannot possess humans quite yet. Only spirits at demonic status have the ability to possess humans. I do, however, have the power to move small objects. So, if you notice your silverware starts to go missing, know that I am with you in spirit. I look forward to doing so.

Sincerely,

Reptarzuul

P.S. If I ever wanted to reach demonic status, Satan requested I change my name to something spookier, and “Doug” was simply not going to cut it.

–Mary Lavelle, Staff Member