BRAZIL— After earlier reports were released alerting Olympic athletes to not put their heads under water, city officials have updated Olympians that it is in their best interest to just not compete. “I mean, let’s be honest, we weren’t prepared at all. The buildings can barely be called ‘buildings’ and should not be lived in, ever,” states an official Olympic committee member, alluding to the lack of safety regulations and fire alarms in the Olympic Village. When asked about the hazardous water and mysteriously green-colored diving pool, British diver and Bronze medalist Tom Daley expressed his concern: “I don’t know how I can compete without putting my head in the water. But I’m excited to try! At least the new green color looks pretty! Way to mix things up a bit, Rio!” Daley then ripped his shirt open by flexing his abs and back flipped away right after blinding us with his perfectly white teeth. Swimmer Ryan Lochte had a similar reaction to the Olympic committee’s announcements. He quotes, “water no good? Sigh, me still go swim?” Another representative from the Olympic committee in Rio summarizes the safety issues in one quote: “Honestly, it’s amazing that we’ve gone this far into the games without a major injury or health concern. I guess it’s possible that nothing horrible will happen, but we are really urging athletes to just count their blessings and quit while we’re all ahead.” The representative followed up his quote by begging that everyone just keeps their fingers crossed.
-Lauren Moliterno, Senior Staff Member