To the total jerk it may concern:
I know you don’t want to read this. To tell the truth, I didn’t really want to write it. We used to have something great going, Chris.
But… I’ve found someone better for me. He feeds people at the restaurant down the street, and ever since I met him, he’s provided joy and fulfillment in my life. When I hold him and feel his warmth, I know there’s something special between us. He’ll never share my secrets, unlike that one time in Cozumel YOU ASSHOLE. Most of all, though, he just makes me feel like I’m going to melt. He’s so wonderfully cheesy, and his thick slices of bread can barely contain his gooey deliciousness.
I’m leaving you for a grilled cheese. That’s what I’m getting at.
I know this sounds crazy, I really do. But think about it: every time I’ve needed him, he’s been there for me, and since you went off to Arizona, you… just haven’t. I can’t take the loneliness anymore, Chris. I’m hungry, and you haven’t been providing. He can.
I know what you’re thinking. “What happens when you finish eating it?” First off, rude, HIS name is Mel, use it. That’s so typical of you, Chris. And moreover, if he runs out, I can just buy another one. They’re all some version of Mel, and each and every one of them loves me the same as the last. “Come on, you don’t gotta eat around like that!” I hear you resist, and you’re right. I don’t have to. But it’s what I want to do to be with Mel as much as I can. And considering that Mel doesn’t ask for expensive-ass headphones on his birthday, I’m pretty sure the price evens out in the long run.
You’re still not convinced, are you? Then let me tell you one more thing. He’s better in bed than you. I knew the first time would be awkward – it always is. But you never got any better, Chris. Mel, though… I shouldn’t go into detail, but screw it: One night, I ordered Mel carry-out, because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to control myself in the restaurant. When we got home, I slid him out of his box and he laid on top of me for a while. I could tell he just wanted to satisfy me, nothing else. I opened my mouth and guided him in. With every careful, tender bite I moaned real moans, making noises I didn’t even know I was capable of until that moment. His oozing cheese ended up all over my face, but by that time, I was in so much ecstasy I didn’t even care. He fulfilled me, Chris.
So yeah. We’re done. That’s not to say the past year hasn’t been fun sometimes – it’s been a blast. But I’ve found someone tastier, and I’m done taking anything but the main course. Goodbye, Chris.
With no regards,
Jessica
P.S: All your stuff you left here is to the side, in small styrofoam take-out boxes. Yes, I know they smell like him. I’m sure you’ll manage.