Rationally, it was entirely clear how he ended up driving to work eating a folded-over frozen pizza in one hand. The oven took longer to preheat than normal, and he still wanted his pizza – it had already been unwrapped, after all. But the ever-growing splotch of cheap marinara sauce on his shorts reminded him of how bad an idea it really was; he couldn’t help but wonder how much rational thought was really involved.
He had definitely hit a new low, he thought to himself. Explaining the mess to his boss would be bad enough if he wasn’t a few minutes late already. He started driving faster than he usually did – both intentionally, as a desperate attempt to clock in on time, and accidentally, distracted by his frozen-pizza-taco-amalgamation.
He heard the sirens first. They yanked his attention to the rear view mirror, which was filled with flashing red and blue. He slammed on the brakes, bracing himself with both hands on the steering wheel. After sliding to a stop, he looked out of the driver’s side window. His head slumped. The car was across the street from a busy playground – he had definitely been in a school zone. There was no way he could get out of this one, he thought. He rolled down his window and prepared for the worst.
The sirens stopped, replaced by a single set of footsteps. Even before he could see her, the officer’s voice demanded fear. “Sir, you were going 43 miles per hour in a 25, you best hope you have a good…”
She peeked into the car and was immediately struck silent. He followed her gaze to the passenger window, which was covered in cheese, sauce, and what one might charitably call “New York style crust”. She paused for a second to regain her composure. “Now what the hell happened here?” she asked.
He let out a defeated sigh. “You’re the cop, I think you can figure it out,” he said, avoiding eye contact.
“Watch yo’ mouth,” she said. The traffic stop went as normally as it could for a while – he gave her his license and other documents, and she went back to her car to run them over. He was still hungry, though, and about half of his lunch was framed against the far window. The mouthwatering smell was impossible to ignore. He glanced back at the officer, who was still busy working with her computer. Hoping she wouldn’t notice, he unbuckled his seatbelt and began to crawl to the passenger side of the car.
The computer system frustrated her; she couldn’t tell if it had been upgraded once in her 15 years. A loading bar on screen froze at 99% complete, prompting a facepalm and a deep grunt. As she looked up from the screen, however, she spotted motion in his car. “Freeze!” she yelled, pulling her gun and sprinting towards the car. “No more movements! I will shoot!” But when she had her shot lined up through the open window, she saw only a clearly disarrayed man with his tongue pressed against the passenger-side glass. She let her gun fall to her side. “And I thought I’d seen everything,” she remarked to no one in particular. He stayed frozen in place, eyes wide, unwilling to try his luck again.
“Now listen,” she started, turning back towards him. “Believe it or not, you’ve caught me on a good day, and between my computer acting up and your… situation, I’m of the mind to let you off with a warning.” He noticed a smirk creep across her face, and she started walking in front of the car, towards the passenger side. “I only have one additional request for you.” She thumbed through various possible filters on her phone screen.
“Say cheese.”