MILFORD, OH—In a move that left many disarmed, Senator Rob Portman cut off his own arm last Thursday at a campaign stop in Milford in order to prove—once and for all—that he is not a lizard that has crawled its way into human skin.
The dismemberment was allegedly done with an ultra sharp Japanese Teruyasu knife, a move Senate Democrats are harshly criticizing; Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid saying to AP, “This just proves that Rob Portman is Asia’s best Senator. He may have cut off his arm, but he is not giving Americans a leg to stand on.”
Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn, acting as spokesman for his party, released a statement early Friday that lauded the move and its “heavy-handedness… We, [the Republican Party] are constantly asked at rallies, ‘Are you a lizard person?’ and then they try to rip off our skin. [Senator Portman]’s self-injury was a great service to his party, to conservative America, and to the motherboard, I mean… mothers with traditional American values.”
A doctor on site immediately threw Portman’s disembodied arm into an American-made Coleman cooler and rushed the one armed Senator, with a military escort, to nearby Anderson Mercy Hospital. He was in and out of surgery in under twenty minutes, something that leaves many people skeptical as to whether or not the Senator just spawned another arm like a lizard would.
Sherman Rosenberger of the League for Intelligent Zoning and Reexamination of Dismembered Suspected Snake Senators, or LIZRDSSS said of the issue, “Ya know, Portman coulda totally just went in there and grown another arm. We need to take samples from his arm so we can know how old the cells are… #giveusyourarm.”
As Portman left the hospital he began his press conference by thanking his military escort: “I would personally like to thank the Armed Forces for my escort today. That is exactly why I am starting an initiative called ‘Bandages for Appendages’ to give government assistance to those who have lost limbs in battle.”
The Bandages Act has been earmarked to Senator Rand Paul (R-KY)’s S.R 1861 to defund The Planned Parenthood Federation of America. The vote is expected to take place next Thursday.
Eyewitness testimony revealed that Senator Portman then flicked his tongue out to eat a fly that was buzzing around his head. His Chief of Staff, Mark Isakowitz, then shuffled the Senator off the stage saying, “give Rob Portman another hand!” Many people misinterpreted this to be a command to cut off their own hands and then throw them at the Senator, who was walking away with his tail, literally, between his legs.
Meanwhile, Fox News is running this same story as, “Portman Gives Ohioans a Helping Hand.”
–Connor Rigney, Contributor