For some reason, the Kim Jong family has taken a lot of rap from the liberal media these days. North Koreans are starving… There are Concentration camps…Kim Jong killed this guy… North Korea lit of nukes. Well, I say to you, journalism is dead. Screw you, Dianne Sawyer. Little did I know I was being brainwashed. Turns out, Kim Jong Il, supposed demonic (ex) leader of the PEOPLES REPUBLIC of North Korea, that’s right, republic, he was elected, was actually a huge bro.
Some of the greatest men of history have been born into humble beginnings. Not Kim though. My man Il was born below the country’s most sacred mountain in a log cabin. Picturesque sure, but did I mention that a shooting star suddenly brought on the change from winter to summer. Suck it, Punxsutawney Phil. Don’t know who Phil is? God, watch a movie for once in your life, specifically Groundhog Day, it’s only super shitty and on Hallmark every other hour. Ohh also a double freakin rainbow suddenly appeared. Don’t believe it? That’s exactly what Hannity wants.
Doctors have confirmed that Kim Jong Il never defecated in his entire life. Last Saturday I accidently ended up eating two Caniac’s, which, as you can imagine, resulted in a pretty eventful Sunday. Anyone in Smith-Steeb probably knows what I’m talking about. So, I find it crazy that Kim Jong Il can gut however many Caniac’s he wants and not drop a load of butt nuggets all over his probable tiger fur toilet seat. Not to mention the advantage he must have had as a kid. While the rest of the North Korean children waited an hour after eating their daily allotment of six grains of rice, this dude Il jumped right into the pool. Probably gave the lifeguard the bird, or whatever the North Korean equivalent of the finger is.
Like any good affluent white kid would, I hit the links pretty hard last summer. Amongst choking down a stogie and snapping my sand wedge on a nearby pine, I actually hit the ball around pretty well. If I was really feeling myself and took a few mulligans, I was hitting an honest 10+. Tiger Woods, pre-prostitute induced fallout, dropped a 61 in the Buick Open. But, Kim, Kim shot a 34. I would throat punch a bag boy and jerk off my caddy if I hit twice that. I hope Kim Jong Un is as good as his father, cause the PGA could use a little fresh blood. Although I usually get pissed right off when someone other than a loyal patriot wins the US Open, I for one wouldn’t mind watching Dustin (also huge bro) Johnson drive the ball 400 yards on 2, while Bubba Watson has a mental breakdown on 7, all whilst Kim Jong Un strolls in his Sunday pinks up to the 18th. That I would watch.
Hennessey is one of the most famous alcohol brands in the world and is represented by only the most influential people. For a time, Kim Jong Il beat out 50 Cent for the largest single consumer of Hennessey in the world.
The guy has figuratively done everything. He walked three weeks after birth. He drove at age three. He wrote six Operas, which critics are describing as “ the best ever.” I also imagine he was pretty smooth with the ladies. Check that, the man had a “pleasure troupe” which I can only imagine is extremely difficult to get into (and probably out of). But either way, I think we should tell Al Gore and those vulva’s at the Huffington Post to suck it because we all now know the truth. Kim Jung Il: Huge bro.
-Caleb Costa, Contributor