Washington, D.C.—After a years-long investigation, the FBI has determined that Hollywood actor Mike Myers is in fact Michael Myers, the monstrous serial killer from the Halloween film series. Like most of his victims immediately before their deaths, no one saw this coming. After all, Myers is best known for his roles on SNL and in comedic children’s movies such as Shrek, Shrek 2, Shrek the Third, Shrek Forever After, and Inglourious Basterds.

When asked about what raised the Bureau’s suspicions in the first place, FBI director James Comey said, “Most of Hollywood is on our radar actually. It’s hard to trust actors. They’re so good at acting, you know? Pretending to be someone they’re not. It’s the perfect career for fugitives. In fact, we have open investigations on hundreds of stars. But, uh, anyway, Myers in particular stood out to us because of his last name. It’s the exact same as the murderer’s. Plus when we started looking into his past and questioning his family, he vanished from the spotlight. Someone must have tipped him off about the investigation. We now believe he is on the run.”

Another key factor is Michael Myers’s apparent invincibility, which would explain how he could still be alive after being shot and stabbed repeatedly over the course of ten movies. He also wears a mask because his face appears to be deformed. With a net worth of about $175 million, Mike Myers could have easily fixed this with plastic surgery.

But what blew the case wide open was the discovery of Mike Myers’s birth certificate and his real name: Michael John Myers. That’s right. Michael. Myers. “After all the blood, sweat, and tears put into this case,” said Comey, “finding out that our suspect actually has the same name as the killer was unbelievably rewarding. It confirmed all our suspicions about Mike’s true identity and allowed us to launch a full-scale manhunt.”

The Shrek star and serial killer is now on the FBI’s most wanted list. When asked to comment on the manhunt, a teary-eyed President Obama said, “Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. And they were right. See, I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed, so I think that’s why I never saw this coming. But I’m a believer in the FBI’s ability to find Mike…I mean Michael Myers…and put him away for good.” Just this morning a D.C. dumpster diver found four broken Shrek DVDs personally signed by Mike Myers to President Obama in a garbage bin behind the White House, along with a pile of used tissues and an empty ice cream carton.

The FBI urges all Americans to be on alert and notify local law enforcement immediately if they see Michael Myers (alias: Mike Myers) or any masked individual wielding a kitchen knife. He is expected to return to his childhood home in Haddonfield, IL, a town that does not actually exist. Comey believes Myers may also be disguised as Robert Downey Jr., Leonardo DiCaprio, or Brad Pitt. All three men have been brought into the J. Edgar Hoover Building for questioning.

To stay updated on the case, visit fbi.gov.

-Ashley Helal, Contributor