Okay. That girl is cute. Definitely in your league. Definitely cute enough that you’re not embarrassed putting her on your Instagram should this go well. Mmmm dat ass is fat too. But no. Don’t objectify women. Your mom taught you better than that. Okay, sorry. Alright just be chill. Do the 40 Year Old Virgin and don’t put the pussy on a pedestal. Just walk up to her. Do I try and shake her hand? Better question, are my hands sweaty? No. Thank the freaking perspiration gods. So I shake her hand. Quit sticking your hand out you are literally on the total opposite side of the room talking to nobody. Holster those finger guns too. Okay now drink the shot, you’ll feel better afterwards. Whiskey is so gross why do people drink this? Oh right, all alcohol tastes bad and people just like feeling drunk. Okay. Liquid courage don’t fail me now. And now I am falling, why am I fall—untied shoelace, of course. Now let me tie this. Oh god I hope nobody saw that… Oh shit there’s another guy talking to her. Am I more attractive than him… turn around… turn around… yep I’m definitely better looking than him. But damn he has good facial hair. Okay bunny ears, that Spongebob song, don’t fail me now. Now just let me stand up… and hit my head on this table. Okay now I’m up. And the whiskey just hit me. I am feeling good… feeling good… boop boop boop… Okay focus. Skinny blonde girl over there is gonna get a huge dose of charisma. And now my palms are sweaty. Fuck it, quit putting it off. The guy is walking away now is your shot. Walking across the party, walking across the party, am I walking too fast, am I too eager? Jesus, bitch, chill. Okay say hi. Say hi. You’ve now been standing there for two seconds say hi. She’s making eye contact with you, and smiling, you think. That might be squinting, you ARE standing in front of the disco ball. Okay now you’re talking, you’re talking. Does she know that her cup is empty? Does she want me to offer her a drink? Will it sound like I’m trying to roofie her if i ask to get her a drink? Nah of course it won’t. You give off a distinctly non rapey vibe. And she’s laughing holy shit how does that joke about the Irish potato famine always kill. Hah… kill. Famine. Damn that is the strongest Chicago accent I’ve ever heard. Comment on it, good banter opportunity. Do the “not everyone can pull off that accent” line with a wink. What the fuck how am I actually succeeding? And now you’re getting her a drink… How do you make a rum and coke, panic PANIC. And she’s drinking it and not grimacing… we’re good. Okay ask for her number. Wow, you can’t type reliably on a phone after one shot. You lightweight son of a bitch. Okay she’s typing it in now. She put a heart. She put a heart this is not a drill she put a heart. I’m the fucking man. Don’t look too visibly excited. And she’s walking out of the room she’s walking out of the room… Did anyone just see me fist pump? Doesn’t matter. Your boy has got a date with… Where’s my phone? What was that smash? Oh god I fist pumped my phone across the room. Will it turn on… waiting waiting… nope. Fuck. Oh well… Hey, that girl is cute. Definitely in your league. Definitely cute enough that you’re not embarrassed putting her on your Instagram should this go well.